Hearts A Mess
by littlemousey19
Summary: After the sudden death of a classmate, Tori is suffering from a broken heart. Who will be there to pick up the pieces? Focus on Cori friendship. Possibly Tandre in later chapters...
1. Chapter 1: Shot Through the Heart

**A/N: **Hi there! So this is my first story in years so it's probably a little rusty. I got into Victorious only recently and am now a massive fan! Anyhow any constructive criticisms would be greatly appreciated. Hope y'all enjoy ;) Cheers, Bec.

**Disclaimer: **Victorious and all its awesome characters, songs and everything else belong to the wonderful Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon.

**Chapter 1**

**Shot Through the Heart**

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon at the Vega house. Tori and Cat giggled hysterically as they watched the hilarious antics of the iCarly crew on Tori's laptop. The two girls had been spending almost every second with each other for the past few weeks as they were both recovering from break ups. Tori had broken up with Ryder Daniels after finding out he was just using her to boost his grades and Cat had dumped Northridge hockey star Tommy Sweet after she noticed just a few too many twenties missing from her purse. Together the two of them had slowly helped each other get back on their feet.

"Oh my gosh, I'm starving! You wanna go grab a frozen yoghurt or something?" Tori asked Cat as she switched off her PearBook.

As usual, Cat giggled before responding, "Yeah that's sounds good, let me just run up and grab my sweater."

Tori nodded then watched as Cat bounded up the stairs giggling as she went. Tori started putting on her shoes then glanced up as she heard the front door open. Her father, Detective David Vega entered looking drained.

"Hey dad." Tori greeted him. "Tough day at work?"

He nodded grimly as he trudged over to the couch and sat down next to her. He sighed and took his daughter's hands. Tori was struggling to decipher the expression on his face. Something had happened. She knew her dad saw some pretty intense things being a cop but she'd never seen him come home looking like this. After a silence he finally spoke.

"You about to go out?" He asked gruffly.

"Yeah, Cat and I were just gonna grab a bite to eat." Tori said, her concern growing. "But I mean we don't have to."

"Cat's here huh?"

Tori nodded, "Upstairs."

He sighed again, "Go and get her, she probably should be here for this."

Tori ran upstairs to her room where Cat was looking for her purse.

"I thought I left it right here!" She exclaimed as Tori came in.

The minute she saw the worry on Tori's face she knew something was up. "Everything okay?"

"Um, I don't think so. My dad just got home from work and wants to tell us something. I don't know what it is but you'd better come downstairs."

Cat nodded and followed her friend downstairs. The girls sat down on the couch. Detective Vega cleared his throat.

"Girls, last night I was called out to a convenience store robbery downtown-

"But, you're a homicide detective." Tori said slowly.

"Yeah, unfortunately the robbery turned bad and two people were killed. The store clerk was shot dead while trying to trip the alarm and- He stopped, a pained expression appearing on his face before he continued, "And a teenage boy who entered the store during the robbery was also killed. He was taken to the hospital but died shortly after arriving. That boy was Ryder Daniels. I'm so sorry."

Tori and Cat stared at him in shock. Tori felt everything blur before her. She could feel her dad and Cat's concerned gazes before everything went black.

When Tori woke up she was in her bed. Cat was sniffling beside her. Tori sat up slowly. Her head was pounding.

"Hey, you okay? You scared the heck out of us, your head made such a loud crack when you hit the floor. Your dad just went to get you some water."

Tori nodded. "How long was I out?"

"Just a few minutes, your dad carried you right up here."

"I just can't believe it. Ryder's dead." Tori whispered. "He's really dead."

"Tori, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I mean, I know you guys broke up-

"I humiliated him in front of everyone!" Tori exclaimed, the tears starting to run down her cheeks.

"Tori you were upset and you felt cheated but nothing you did has anything to do with this." Cat said, trying to reassure her friend.

David came in with the water. "Hey hon how's your head?"

Tori tried to speak but instead let out a deep sob. Her dad rushed over and pulled her into a hug. He rocked her softly and kissed her head. "Its gonna be okay sweetie, shhh."

After a while Tori calmed down and drank her water.

"I hate to leave you like this but I've gotta go down to the precinct and tell your principal what happened. Mom will be home soon with Trina. Do you think you'll be okay for a little while?" David asked gently.

Tori nodded and lay back on the pillows. David beckoned Cat into the hall.

"Are you okay to keep an eye on her Cat? I called our doctor when I was downstairs and he said to wake her every half an hour if she falls asleep because she did hit her head pretty hard. Call my cell if you need anything but like I said Holly and Trina will be home soon. "

Cat nodded. "I'll look after her Mr Vega."

"Thanks Cat I really appreciate it." He turned to leave then stopped, "Are you doing okay? I'm not sure how well you knew Ryder but he was one of your classmates too. It must be pretty hard to hear."

Cat sighed. "Yeah it's just so surreal. I mean you just think this person you're so used to passing in the hallway isn't gonna be there anymore. Things with him and Tori didn't end so well so I think it's gonna be pretty hard for her to get her head round all of this."

"I know. I'm just glad that she has friends like you to help her get through this."

When Cat went back into the bedroom, Tori was sitting up with her knees bunched up to her chest. The tear tracks on her cheeks were glimmering slightly in the dull light and her eyes were unfocused. Cat sat down next to her and put both her arms around her slim shoulders. Tori lay her head on Cat's shoulder and burst into tears again. After what seemed like hours they were joined by Holly and Trina and for a while they all just sat there comforting Tori as she cried. They were finally interrupted by an abrupt growl from Trina's stomach.

"My bad." Trina said with a smirk.

Cat stifled a giggle and a tiny smile lingered on the corner of Tori's mouth.

"Okay girls how about I go down and make some snacks?" Holly offered.

"Sounds good, I'll come help." Said Trina following her mom.

Cat gave Tori a gentle punch on the shoulder. "Hey friend, how you doing?"

Tori shrugged.

"You want me to bring you up a snack?"

Tori shook her head. "I'm not hungry." She said hoarsely.

"Okay. Do you want me to tell the others? Otherwise they'll just find out at school on Monday. It's your call."

"I-I want them here. They should be here." Tori said slowly.

Cat patted Tori's hand and nodded. "I'll be back in a sec."

She called Jade first. It took her several tries before she answered with a harsh whisper.

"Cat! What is it? Beck and I are in a movie."

"Jade, I need you and Beck to come over to Tori's. Something's happened."

There was a long pause. "I-Is she okay?"

"Yeah. Well no. It's Ryder Daniels. He was killed last night during a convenience store robbery." Cat explained, starting to tear up. Telling someone about it made it seem so much more real.

"Oh my god. We'll be right over. Do the others know?"

"No, not yet. Tori wants us all over here." Cat choked.

"We'll call them. See you soon."

Jade and Beck turned up with Robbie and Andre in tow about twenty minutes later. Holly sent them straight upstairs with a plate of food. The four friends took turns offering their condolences to Tori and expressing how shocked they all were. Every so often Tori would burst into tears and her friends sat there comforting her as best as they could. It was almost midnight when Tori finally fell asleep. She was completely exhausted. It was a relief to see her get some rest.

"I think we should probably go home. We have school tomorrow. Her family's here to look after her."Robbie said as he switched off the light. "You especially need some rest Cat; you've been with her all day."

They all agreed. "Wait!"Cat gasped as they started to head downstairs.

"What is it?" Beck asked.

Cat hurried back into the room and switched on a small star-shaped lamp by Tori's bed. "She always sleeps with it on."

"Okay, now let's go." Andre said softly shutting the door behind him.

They stood in the hallway for a bit, talking quietly.

"She's taken it really hard." Jade said.

Cat nodded, "I know they weren't together for very long and I know he hurt her but the other day she was telling me that she really wanted it to work about between them. She was feeling so bad about humiliating him in front of the school and was even thinking about giving him another chance." Cat's eyes filled with tears. "She told me she was gonna talk to him at school tomorrow, to apologize."

"Oh my god, no wonder she's so devastated." Andre said.

"She felt terrible about it. I spent the last few weeks convincing her that she's not a bad person but now he's gone and she's not gonna be able to live with herself." Cat cried.

Robbie put his arm around Cat, "We've just gotta do our best to help her get through this. It'll be hard but we're her friends and right now she needs us more than ever."

**End Chapter 1. **

**A/N: **So hopefully that was okay! Let me know what you thought! Cheers, Bec ;)


	2. Chapter 2: Fix You

**A/N: **Thanks to those who read the first chapter! It means a lot :) Oh and an extra special thanks to **Jeremy Shane **for his kind review! This chapter is much longer and that is how long you can expect them to be from now on. Also, I'll try to update as often as possible but keep in mind that its summer here so I'm spending a lot of my time down the beach rather than inside in my un-air-conditioned house so yeah don't stress if my updates aren't everyday! Whoa that was the longest sentence in the universe! Hehe anyhow here 'tis, enjoy folks, and please review! Cheers, Bec ;)

**Disclaimer: **I own everything muhahaha! Nah jokes guys, it all belongs to Dan and Nickelodeon.

**Chapter 2**

**Fix You**

As they entered the familiar corridor of Hollywood Arts they could instantly feel that the normally vibrant atmosphere of the school was overshadowed by the stark reality that one of their classmates had been murdered. Ryder's locker in the senior's corridor was already adorned with flowers and cards and surrounded by candles. Several students were huddled around in small groups looking shocked and distraught. Robbie, Andre, Beck, Jade and Cat joined their fellow classmates and placed a candle beside the locker with a card from all of them. They just stood there together in a mutual silence until the bell for first period rang. Making their way back to their lockers they spotted Trina who was carrying a bunch of flowers.

"Hey Trina." They greeted her glumly.

Her response was equally glum. "Hey."

"First period's about to start, warning bell just went." Robbie told her.

She nodded. "Yeah, I know." She held up her flowers. "We just- we just wanted to get something for Ryder." She explained wiping a stray tear from her cheek. "I'm gonna go put these by his locker."

"Wait Trina, how's Tori?" Cat asked.

Trina sighed. "She's not doing so well. After you guys left she kept waking up all through the night and she's been vomiting since early this morning. The doctor came by to check on her and said that it's probably due to a slight concussion from fainting yesterday as well as just exhaustion."

"When do you think she'll be back at school?" Andre asked.

"I'm not sure; Mom and Dad are pretty worried about her. We've never seen her like this before so it's hard to say when she'll bounce back. Anyway I've gotta get to class, will you guys be over later?"

"Of course, see you after school." They all said as they parted ways.

The group discussed their shared worry about Tori as they headed to Sikowitz's class. Several members of their class were missing as they had been close friends with Ryder. Sikowitz was sitting up the front with his arms crossed. His brow was furrowed with sadness and he didn't greet them as they sat down in their usual seats. For ages he didn't say anything he just sort of sat there staring into space until Jade finally went up and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Uh, Sikowitz?"

He jerked back to reality. "Oh, right. You guys are here. Obviously you've heard." He sighed. "It's a tragedy. A real tragedy. I had the pleasure of teaching Ryder Daniels a couple of years ago. Brilliant actor. It's such a shame…" He trailed off and began to stare into the distance again.

"Sikowitz, you okay?" Cat asked gently.

He stood up. "Yeah I'm okay Cat. Like all of you, I'm shocked and upset that this happened to Ryder. I think it's important that we take this day, or this lesson at least to just reflect on this tragic event and to remember Ryder. Feel free to stay here or to go outside or in the hall. If you need me I'll be here."

Everyone got up to leave but Sikowitz called his favourite students back in concerned that one of them was missing.

"So, where's Tori?"

"At home. She's pretty heartbroken about Ryder. They dated for a while. Plus, her dad was one of the cops to find him." Beck explained.

Sikowitz nodded. "Well you guys keep an eye on her. These kinds of situations affect everyone differently. If any of you need to talk you know where to find me."

The gang decided to go sit outside for Sikowitz's lesson. They didn't really talk about Ryder too much, just stuck to small talk to keep their minds off it. Cat took the time to call Tori's mom to see how Tori was going at home.

"She's stopped vomiting finally but she's still really upset. She keeps saying that she should have just given him a chance and then none of this would have happened. I'm trying to tell her that it's not her fault but she just won't hear it." Holly explained.

"Do you need us to come over?"

"I can't ask you guys to do that, you have school."

"Mrs Vega, Tori's our friend. We'll be there soon."

They all squeezed into Beck's truck and rushed over to Tori's. Like last night she was still curled up in her bed but today she was looking much worse for wear. Her complexion was ghostly pale and her brown eyes looked like they'd been invaded by tiny, red fireworks. Her cheeks were still wet from the most recent onset of tears and each breath she took caused a deep shudder through her entire body. Her bed and the floor were littered with crumpled up tissues which seemed to be forming a wall around her. Her friends edged their way past the mountain of tissues and joined her on the bed. Tori was rocking slightly and looking into the distance much like Sikowitz had earlier in the day. No one really knew what to say. Tori was the first to speak.

"What're you guys doing here?" She asked with an almost robotic voice.

"Tori, your mom said you're not feeling so good. She thought you could use a friend… or five." Cat said rubbing Tori's back gently.

Tori put her head in her hands and started weeping. "I don't deserve you guys." She sobbed. "I don't deserve any of it."

Cat held Tori closer and glanced nervously at the others. "Tori its not-

"Why did he have to die? I was going to talk to him today, say sorry for what I did but now I'll never get the chance to tell him how I felt!" She cried looking around at all of them for answers.

"Tori…" Jade started to say, but there was no answer she could give that would make Tori's pain go away.

Tori put her head back down and started whispering something they couldn't hear. When Cat leaned in she could hear that she was repeatedly saying "it's all my fault, he's dead because of me."

"Tori stop it!" Cat said loudly causing Robbie to jump.

She grabbed Tori's head and made her look her in the face. "Tori you have to listen to me. This is not your fault. And I know right now you feel like it was karma, or the universe that caused Ryder to die. But the truth is it has nothing to do with you. The fact is, Ryder was killed by a monster. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and was killed for no reason. No matter how badly you feel about the way you treated Ryder there's nothing you could've done to stop this. You're not the one who pulled the trigger. That is what killed Ryder. And the fact that you were going to apologize and give him another chance; well that's a lot. You've gotta hang onto that. Try not to hold onto what you did or what he did. Hold onto the memory that you were willing to look past that and see the good in him."

Everyone was staring at Cat in shock. They had never heard something so rational and intelligent come out of her mouth. Clearly she knew how to handle crisis. Tori was still letting Cat's words sink in. Those words had stopped her in her tracks and brought her down to earth. Shakily, she grabbed a tissue and wiped her face.

"I-I think I might be ready to come downstairs for a bit." She said quietly.

"Okay good. Here, you might want a sweater it's a little colder down there." Andre said, handing her a big, comfy LAPD hoodie that her dad had given her.

"Thanks." She croaked and pulled it over her head.

Slowly she got up and stepped unsteadily onto the cold floorboards. Andre held out his arm for support.

"Sorry." She apologized shyly, "I still feel a little weak."

"Don't worry I've got you." Andre said.

Gently, he led her downstairs and guided her to the couch. Jade covered her with a blanket and handed her the hand-stitched cushion from Tori's grandmother that still had faint black stains from when she had cried over Beck.

"That one's good for emotional support." She joked.

Tori gave her a weak smile. "Thanks."

"Do you want something to eat Tori? You must be starving!" Said Robbie.

Tori felt her stomach churn and shook her head rapidly. "Um I could maybe use a drink?"

"Sure, what do you feel like?"

"Water's fine, thanks Rob."

Robbie went and got her water and Beck switched on the TV and flicked through the channels to find something light-hearted. He finally settled on a channel that was showing a Friends marathon. It was easy to just get lost in the simplicity of the sitcom and let the canned laughter wash over them. It didn't take long for all of them to fall asleep. When Trina came home from school everyone but Tori got up and had something to eat. They all agreed it was best to let her get as much sleep as she could. At around seven, David came home from work. As he joined them on the couch, Tori's friends couldn't help notice how stressed he looked.

"Hey Mr Vega, how's the investigation going?" Beck asked.

David lowered his voice as he answered, making sure not to wake Tori. "There isn't much to tell at the moment. The cameras at the store weren't turned on, they were just there as a deterrent. We're trying to track down witnesses who would've seen the shooter exit the store. What we do have is a description of the getaway car but it doesn't really narrow anything down. Ballistics has confirmed the type of gun used so hopefully that will lead us to some suspects. I'll let you all know when we get closer to finding out who did this."

"Do you know when the funeral will be?" Cat asked.

"Probably late next week, and the school is also organizing a memorial service." He replied. He looked at his sleeping daughter, "Has she been any better today?"

"Well she hasn't cried for hours and she's finally getting a proper sleep so yeah, a little better." Said Andre.

"That's good to hear. Hopefully she'll be ready to go back to school in a few days."

Glancing at Tori again, he noticed she was shivering a little. "She looks a bit cold, I might just take her upstairs."

"Okay, we'll probably head home then." Cat said.

"No worries, I suppose I'll see you all tomorrow. Thanks again for looking after her today, you guys have been great."

They all watched as David scooped his daughter up with ease and carried her upstairs. After saying goodbye to Trina and Holly they all piled into Beck's car again and decided to go to Inside Out Burger. They didn't really go there to eat since Holly had provided them with more than enough snacks earlier; they just got some shakes and talked. Although they knew Tori had definitely made some progress by coming out of her room and watching TV with them they also knew that it was still early days and going back to school wouldn't be easy for her.

"I think she's really gonna struggle at school. There's a lot of memories of Ryder there." Andre said as he sipped his strawberry shake.

"I know, but Cat, what you said to her definitely helped. Hopefully she'll stop blaming herself." Beck said.

"Still, just because she stopped crying for a little bit and got some sleep doesn't mean she's instantly better. She hasn't eaten since she heard and you all saw how frail and sick she looked and I mean this only happened yesterday. What if she gets worse?" Cat asked worriedly.

"Cat, try not to worry too much. Maybe now that the initial shock has worn off a little she'll start feeling better." Robbie explained to her calmly.

Cat sighed. "I sure hope so." She hung her head and looked defeated.

Jade put her arm around her. "We're doing the best we can okay? So far it's helped so when she comes back to school we've just gotta keep doing what we've been doing and eventually she'll start to move on. But it's only been one day. This kinda stuff always takes time."

"I suppose…" Cat said.

Beck glanced at his watch. "C'mon guys it's getting late, I'm sure all our parents are freaking out by now, especially since we ditched school."

"Well Tori's mom called all our parents about that so we should be fine." Robbie said.

"True, but we should get going anyways." Beck replied.

They all jumped back in the truck and Beck dropped them all home. Cat was the last one to be dropped off as Jade was going to hang out with Beck for a bit before going home. As the couple watched her trudge up her driveway they both realised how hard she was taking everything as well.

"Cat's usually so positive about everything." Beck said as they headed back to his place.

"I know, but she and Tori have gotten so close in the past few weeks ya know helping each other with their break ups. I think it just really worries her to see Tori in so much pain." Jade said.

"I think she's been great so far though. She's been really strong for her."

Jade nodded. "Yeah, and mature! Who would've thought right?"

Beck smiled at his girlfriend as he pulled into his driveway."You've been really great too. I know you and Tori don't always get along but you've really been helping heaps." He kissed her on the cheek making her blush a little.

"Yeah well, Tori's helped me through some tough times so now I'm just returning the favour."

The next morning at around six, Cat was jerked awake by her phone ringing loudly. Blearily, she reached for it and answered.

"Hello?" She said groggily.

Tori spoke softly at the other end. "Hey Cat, sorry to wake you up. I just wanted to let you know… I think I'm ready to come to school today."

**End Chapter 2. **

**A/N: **Okay so that's all for chapter two, let me know your thoughts. Did ya love it? Did ya hate it? Whatever your thoughts may be, I wanna know! Cheers, Bec ;)


	3. Chapter 3: Breakdown

**A/N: **Hey there… so the weather outside is frightful… for the next week so more chapters will be coming your way super soon! For those of you who don't know, Melbourne weather totally sucks! It's so up and down it drives me nuts! Anyways, enough ranting about my incredibly sucky city… extra special thanks to **Ayamas4Ever**, your review was very encouraging :) I still wanna work on the length of the chapters, are they long enough for you guys? If not I'll make them longer! Okay, enough chitchat from me, on with chapter three! Hey that rhymed! Hahah! Read and Review people! Cheers, Bec ;) PS. There will be some swearing in this chapter so just a heads up! I don't mean to offend!

**Disclaimer: **You can thank Dan and Nickelodeon for Victorious but you can thank me for the characters Hannah and Emily!

**Chapter 3**

**Breakdown**

"Tori, are you sure you're ready?" Cat asked gently. "Its okay to take your time, there's no need to rush back into school straight away."

"Well I can't just hide at home forever."

"Yeah but-

"Cat. I need to do this." Tori said firmly.

"Well if you're sure… I'm getting a ride in with my brother, you want us to swing by and pick you up?"

"Your brother got his licence back?"

"Uh-huh, just yesterday so he wanted to drive me to school and stop for waffles on the way to celebrate."

Tori thought for a minute about all the things Cat had told them about her brother. "Okay and you're sure he's um, a safe driver?"

"Yep, he's on new meds!"

Although she was still a bit hesitant, Tori normally got a ride with Trina and was pretty sure that even Cat's crazy brother was a better driver than her. "Alright, sounds good."

"Kay-kay, we'll see you at like eight."

"See you then."

After hanging up Tori started getting ready for school. Although she was feeling pretty jittery about going back so soon, it helped her to just focus on things going back to normal. Plus she knew that her friends would be there to look after her. As she headed into the kitchen to make herself some breakfast she suddenly felt a wave of nausea as she remembered when she'd made spicy tuna balls for Ryder on their first date. Her hands were shaking as she reached for the box of Coco Pops on the counter. Holding back tears she put the cereal box back down and decided that she would stick with a glass of juice for breakfast. It was still a while before Cat and her brother would be over to pick her up so she settled down on the couch and watched the early morning cartoons. When her mom and Trina came downstairs they were shocked to see that she was dressed and ready for school.

"Hey Tor, how's it going?" Trina greeted her.

"Yeah okay."

"So, you're going back to school today hon?" Holly asked.

"Uh-huh, I'm feeling a lot better."

Trina and Holly exchanged concerned looks. "Isn't it still a little soon?" Holly said.

Tori sighed. "Yeah, probably but if I don't go back now then I'm just gonna be at home thinking about everything and getting upset and I think I should probably just get back into it."

"Okay, but if you need more time we understand." Holly replied nervously.

"Mom, its fine. Really. I promise that if it's too much then I'll call you straight away."

A car horn sounded outside. "Well, that's Cat, her brother's giving us a ride."

"Alright, bye hon, if you need anything just call." Holly said before kissing her daughter goodbye.

"Don't worry mom, I'll keep an eye on her. See you at school sis. I've got a late start today." Trina said, hugging her sister.

"Oh is dad home?" Tori asked as she picked up her bag.

"Nope, he had to go down to the station early." Holly replied.

"Alright, well see ya."

She ran outside where Cat and her brother were waiting in a beat up old panel van. Tori was immediately regretting her decision to get a ride with them. As she slid in the front seat beside Cat. Tori realised it was the first time she'd ever seen Cat's brother. He was pretty much the male version of Cat only a few years older. Like his sister, he too had dyed his hair only his was a radioactive green. He was wearing dark sunglasses and looked like he hadn't shaved for a few days. Tori slid into the front seat beside Cat who smiled brightly.

"Hey Tori, this is my big brother Fish."

Tori smirked at the name. "Hey, I'm Tori."

"Cool." He grunted.

Cat whispered in Tori's ear. "The new meds make him a bit cranky."

Fish started the engine. "Whoo! Waffle time!" Cat squealed as they took off.

Tori was bouncing her leg nervously as they headed to the Maple Mountain diner. Not only was she a little worried by how fast Fish was speeding down the highway but she was also thinking about school. Everyone had seen her humiliate Ryder at the Full Moon Jam. Would they think she was just some heartless bitch? Would they think she was happy he was dead? The lyrics that she and Andre had come up with for Beggin' On Your Knees played over and over in her head. _So watch your back 'cause you don't know when or where I could get you. You just don't, don't deserve happy ever after_. Those two particular lines bounced around in her head making that nauseous feeling surface again. By the time they arrived at Maple Mountain she was feeling awfully queasy.

"Tori you okay?" Cat asked as they found a table.

Tori swallowed and nodded. "Um I'm just gonna go to the bathroom quickly."

"Okay, want us to order for you?"

"No it's cool; I'm not actually that hungry. I had some cereal before." She lied not wanting to worry her friend.

She went into the bathroom and splashed water on her face trying to make the sick feeling in her stomach disappear. It didn't really help though and she rushed into a cubicle and threw up violently. Maybe I'm not ready for this, she thought as she sat on the toilet seat trying to calm herself down. Still, she'd told everyone that she was feeling better and didn't want them to think that she couldn't handle it. With a deep breath she headed back out to the dining area where Cat and Fish were making elaborate houses out of their waffles. Fish seemed to have lightened up a lot since the car ride. He was giggling hysterically and making faces at his sister. Tori noticed that his giggle was very similar to Cat's only much deeper. As she sat down, the siblings both looked up at her with shocked expressions.

"Whoa Tori, you look really pale. What's wrong?" Cat said.

Fish was nodding, "Yeah dude, you look like you saw a ghost or something. This one time, me and Cat were watching Casper on TV and our Uncle Jesse scared us and that's what Cat's face looked like. 'Cause like we had just seen Casper the ghost on TV and been scared at the same time! I mean, my face probably looked like that too but I dunno 'cause I couldn't see my own face."

Cat smacked her brother's arm. "Seriously Tori are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just feeling a little anxious about school."

"If you're not feeling up to it, Fish will drive you home if you want."

"No, really, I'm fine."

Tori drank some water while the Valentines shovelled down their waffle houses. Finally it was time to head to Hollywood Arts. As they pulled up, Tori's legs felt like jelly. She felt like everyone was looking at her as she and Cat stepped out of the car and waved goodbye to Fish who beeped several times before swerving back onto the main road.

"C'mon, it'll be fine. Let's go." Cat said, grabbing Tori's arm and practically dragging her into the building.

Andre what at his locker when they walked in.

"Hey girls! Tori you're back! I didn't think you'd be coming back so soon." He said, giving her a big hug.

"Yeah well, here I am." She shrugged.

Tori went to her own locker to put away her stuff. Andre pulled Cat aside.

"Why's she back so soon?" He whispered in her ear.

"She said she was ready."

"Well she doesn't look ready. She looks like she's gonna pass out."

"She said she's feeling pretty nervous about being back so she's probably not a hundred percent ready but we'll look after her."

Andre nodded. "C'mon we've got theatre history." He said as Tori came over to them with her books.

The others still hadn't arrived but they had a different class anyway so they would just catch up with them at recess. As they headed to class, Tori still felt like everyone was staring at her but she was probably just imagining it. Their lesson went smoothly but Tori found it hard to concentrate. Although she'd slept for hours yesterday she was still really tired and it didn't help that she hadn't eaten for the past two days. After theatre history they met up with everyone at recess. The others were surprised to see Tori so soon but were glad she was back. While they were sitting at their regular table, two senior girls approached them. Tori recognized them as Hannah Thwaites and Emily Shannon from her and Robbie's chorus class. She knew that they had been pretty close with Ryder.

"Hey Hannah, Emily how you holding up with everything?" She asked them kindly.

The two girls crossed their arms and glared at Tori. "Like you care." Emily hissed.

Tori didn't know what to say. "I-I do care." She stammered.

"How can you even show your face around here after the way you acted?" Hannah spat.

Jade stood up, staring daggers at them both. "What the hell are you two talking about? Of course she cares! She's been sitting at home crying for the past two days so who're you to say she doesn't care!"

Tori was shaking violently at this point and tears had started streaming down her face. Andre protectively put his arm around her as he stared at Hannah and Emily in shock.

"Don't act all innocent Tori! You showed the whole school how you feel about Ryder with your nasty little song. Funny that he only matters to you now his gone!" Emily shouted, her voice quaking with upset and anger.

Tori felt like someone had just ripped her heart out. Crying hysterically, she got up and ran into the building. Cat, Andre and Robbie got up and ran after her. Beck had jumped forward to restrain Jade who was about to start swinging on Hannah and Emily.

"Jade c'mon. They're not worth it." He said as he held her back. He shook his head at the two girls. "You guys are fucked up."

Beck pulled Jade away and they went inside to look for Tori and everyone else. They tried the janitor's closet first since that was the gang's go-to place when they were upset about something but the only person in there was their creepy janitor who was taking a nap. They looked in the Black Box next because Tori had gone there after spraying hot cheese on Cat and her then boyfriend Danny but it was totally empty. Finally they headed to the girls' bathroom since that was pretty much the first place most girls went when they were upset. Sure enough when they got there, Robbie and Andre were standing outside the door. Jade gave Beck's hand a little squeeze as she pushed past the boys gently and went inside. Cat was standing outside the last cubicle. Jade could hear Tori's wretched sobs. Cat's eyes were red indicating that she too had been crying. Jade gave her friend a hug before she knocked on the cubicle door. There was no answer, just more cries.

"Have you said anything to her?" Jade whispered to Cat.

Cat nodded. "I said we can call her mom to come pick her up. I told her that what those girls said to her was really mean and wrong. She's not saying anything though."

Jade knocked on the door again. "Tori? Do you want us to get Trina?" She asked gently.

Still no answer. "Okay well I'm gonna go tell the boys to go get Trina. Cat's still here though."

Jade ducked out of the bathroom and instructed the boys to find Trina as well as Sikowitz and Lane. When she went back in Tori's sobbing had progressed to vomiting.

"Why's she throwing up?" Cat asked, her brown eyes wide with concern.

Jade shrugged, "I dunno, sometimes when people are exhausted and really distressed it causes them to get an upset stomach. It can't be good though, especially since she's barely eaten anything."

Thankfully the vomiting stopped but they could still hear Tori crying softly. Trina came in a few minutes later closely followed by Lane and Sikowitz. The boys were still waiting outside. Jade informed them angrily about the incident at the Asphalt Café.

"We've been trying so hard to relieve her of this guilt she's been feeling about Ryder's death so when they said that to her obviously it cut pretty deep." She explained.

"I'll have a word to them later on." Lane promised. "For now we've just got to get her out of there."

"Tori, I can drive you home okay? Just please come out. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want." Trina said as she leaned against the cubicle door.

Tori's sobbing seemed to have subsided but she was still sniffling and not responding.

"We might have to call your parents." Sikowitz said to Trina.

Trina sighed. "I've never seen her so upset."

"Hang on I've got an idea." Said Jade pulling a pair of scissors from her belt.

Everyone backed up. "What are you gonna do with those?" Cat gasped.

"Chill out." She lowered her voice. "One time my little brother accidentally locked himself in our bathroom at home and I used these to get him out. Just give me one sec."

They all looked on as Jade tweaked the lock with her trusty scissors. Within minutes the little "ENGAGED" sticker had flicked over to "VACANT." Everyone let out a sigh of relief. Jade pushed the door gently. Tori was crumpled up in a ball next to the toilet whimpering quietly. Cat sat down on the floor next to her and pulled her into a hug. Jade stepped inside wincing slightly when she saw the vomit in the toilet. She quickly flushed the toilet then joined her friends in a hug. Together, Cat and Jade helped Tori up and led her to the sink to wash her face. Suddenly, Tori's eyes started sliding out of focus and Cat and Jade had to grab her before she collapsed on the ground.

"Oh my god Tori!" Trina squealed.

"It's alright. Here, just lay her down gently." Lane instructed. "We better take her to the nurse."

"Tori can you hear me?" Jade asked worriedly.

Tori's eyes fluttered open and they helped her sit up. "Okay c'mon Tori we're just gonna take you in to see the nurse and then Trina will drive you home." Sikowitz explained gently.

Although she still looked dazed she nodded and allowed herself to be walked to the sickbay. The nurse examined her quickly and said that going home was definitely the best option. Trina took Tori to her locker to pack up her stuff. After they'd left, Cat explained to Lane and the nurse that Tori hadn't been eating and that it was the second time she'd fainted in two days.

"Sometimes extreme grief and stress can be very trying physically so often people will lose their appetites and become very ill. What happened at recess would've added greatly to the amount of stress she's already under. When she comes back to school have her come and see me. Maybe a counselling session will help." Lane told her. "I'll call her parents a little later to let them know what happened today."

Cat thanked Lane then headed to the lockers to say goodbye to Tori and Trina. Tori still hadn't said a word since her breakdown.

"We'll come and see you after school okay?" Cat said giving Tori another hug.

Tori just nodded. Trina thanked all Tori's friends for their help then guided her sister out to the car. On the way home she kept glancing over at Tori trying to decipher how she must be feeling right now but Tori's expression was blank. Trina was struggling to hold back tears. Would her little sister be broken forever? She reminded herself for the hundredth time that it was early days but she was beginning to think that it was all downhill from here…

**End Chapter 3. **

**A/N: **Okay guys, all doneskies! I tried to add a little humour to this chapter with Cat's brother since it was pretty depressing to write. Anyways as always let me know your thoughts! Cheers, Bec ;)


	4. Chapter 4: Light On My Shoulder

**A/N: **Howdy folks! So this chapter took a little longer to write than I expected. For some reason I found it really hard. Plus the weather turned back around so I went to the beach yay! To answer your question **Ayamas4Ever**, yep Melbourne, Australia is my home town, some days (like today) I love it, and some days I hate it! I haven't been to Adelaide but I've heard its lovely :) Anywho, here is chapter 4! As always, R&R friends! Cheers, Bec ;)

**Disclaimer: **I own my little story but nothing more!

**Chapter 4**

**Light On My Shoulder**

"Tori we're home." Trina said as they pulled up to their house.

Tori still hadn't spoken since her ordeal at school. She exited the car silently and followed Trina inside. Their mom was on the phone to Lane when they came in and sat on the couch. She finished up her conversation quickly and pulled Tori into her arms. Tori started crying again as her mom hugged her.

"Oh hon. It upsets me to see you hurting so much." Holly said as they broke apart. "I called Dad, he said he'll try to get away for a bit to come and see you."

Tori nodded slowly. "Do you need anything sweetie? Maybe something to eat or drink?" Holly asked.

Finally Tori spoke for the first time all afternoon. "I-I think I just need to lie down."

Tori went upstairs and lay in her bed sobbing into her pillow. All she could think about was what Hannah and Emily had said to her. They were right; her performance at the Full Moon Jam was nothing but a selfish act of revenge. She hadn't thought of the consequences, how it would effect him. Even though he had used her and other girls to get good grades she shouldn't have retaliated the way she did. She had seen how he'd been treated the last few weeks. Girls who would've normally gone weak at the knees for Ryder had glared at him when they passed him in the hall and call him jerk or a pig. Ryder's last two weeks had probably been hell and it was all because of her so she didn't blame them for lashing out at her like they did. She would've done the exact same thing for any of her friends now that she thought about it. Still, she hadn't been able to control her emotions. She couldn't shake the sickly feeling she'd had since the minute her father had told her Ryder was dead. She wanted to eat and sleep properly and stop crying at the drop of a hat. All of her friends were fine so why couldn't she be too? She was so angry at herself for wallowing in her guilt. Her tears had stopped by now and she was sitting in the middle of her bed wringing her hands in anger when her dad came in.

He smirked a little when he saw her. "Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. You just looked like a little gremlin that's all."

Tori couldn't help smiling too; her dad always made her laugh. "Hey dad."

David sat down beside her. "So, mom and Trina tell me you had a pretty rough first day back. You wanna talk about it?"

She shook her head. "It was just too soon I think."

"Well you take your time." He looked at her seriously. "I just thought I should let you know that we made a breakthrough on the case today."

"Ryder's case?"

He nodded. "We have the killer's identity. He's in the system we're just trying to track him down now."

"H-how?"

"One of the stores across the street had a camera that caught him exiting so we've just gotta find him. He's gonna go away for a long time when we get him. Hopefully that'll bring some form of justice to Ryder's family and everyone else who knew him."

"That's good." Tori said slowly looking down at her hands. She didn't want to start crying again so she couldn't look at her dad.

"The family can start planning the funeral properly now. Mr Daniels said they'll probably try having it next Tuesday."

Sensing that Tori was starting to get upset again David changed the subject. "Your friends will be here in a few hours, why don't you get some rest until then?"

"Okay."

She closed her eyes trying to forget all the thoughts swimming around in her head and eventually she fell asleep. By the time she woke up it was four thirty and the gang was waiting for her downstairs. She noticed that her family weren't home though.

"Hey sleepyhead! You feeling any better?" Robbie greeted her with a cheesy smile.

"Hey guys, yeah I'm okay now. Thanks for coming over again." She said stifling a yawn. "Where's my parents and Trina?"

"Trina had kickboxing, your dad went back to work and your mom went to your uncle's place." Andre answered.

Tori sat down between him and Jade. For once, Jade didn't knock her off the couch. Tori smiled to herself knowing that Jade truly was a good friend. She felt tears stinging her eyes. She couldn't believe how lucky she was to have such a great group of friends around her. Sniffling, she leaned against Andre and just let herself cry a little bit. Andre held her close and stroked her hair as she sobbed against his shoulder. She stopped after a little while and wiped her face with a tissue Jade handed her.

"Y-you guys have been so great these past few days. Thanks for putting up with me." She said to them all.

"Anytime Tori." Cat said as she came over and gave her a hug.

"So your dad told us about the case." Beck said.

Tori nodded. "Yeah. I'm glad they found the guy so soon. It's probably a relief for his family but I doubt it'll make it any easier for them." She said shakily.

There was a murmur of agreement amongst the group. "Your dad said the funeral's gonna be next Tuesday and they told us today that they're gonna have a memorial at school the following week. Ryder's friends are organizing it."

Jade looked furious at the mention of Ryder's friends. Seeing this, Tori thought it was important that she talked to them about what happened at school.

"You guys, I know that Hannah and Emily were kinda harsh on me at school today-

"Kinda harsh!" Jade cut in.

"Let her talk." Beck said calmly.

Tori continued. "I just don't think it was that big a deal. One of their- she paused for a second struggling to hold back tears- "one of their closest friends just died, I guess I just understand why they were upset. Besides, what they said wasn't totally off base."

Jade was shaking her head. "Obviously I get that they're upset but Tori they had no right to attack you like that."

"They did!" Tori said, tearing up for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, "I totally deserved it! Everything they said was true."

"Tori you don't mean that." Cat said trying to reassure her. "How about I get you some cookies and milk?" She offered.

"No thanks." Tori replied sadly.

Cat looked at Jade worriedly. It was seriously freaking everyone out that Tori wasn't eating anything.

"How about an apple or something?" Jade asked gently.

"I'm not hungry." She said bitterly.

Jade and Cat decided to drop it but knew they definitely had to talk to Tori's parents later. Even though it had only been a few days they didn't want Tori to get sick. Tori remained quiet for the rest of the night. When her parents and Trina came home they offered her dinner but she politely refused causing them to exchange worried glances that they shared with Cat and Jade. Once Tori was asleep on the couch the boys decided to go home while the girls stayed to have a chat with Tori's parents and Trina.

"We don't know if she's been eating at home but we haven't seen her eat anything for two days." Cat explained, "When we went out for breakfast this morning she told me she'd already eaten but even if that's true she would've only eaten one thing in two days."

Holly sighed. "She didn't have anything this morning. It is normal for grieving people to lose their appetite but it concerns me that she's lying about it. I really should set up that appointment for her with Lane."

"At school though?" Jade asked.

"Yeah mom, after today I think she really needs some time away from school." Trina said.

"Well I'll give Lane a call tomorrow and see if he can make a house call." David said. "Thanks for bringing it up girls."

"No worries, I guess we'll come by tomorrow?" Cat said.

"We'll give you a call, I'll see if Lane can stop by after school first and then maybe you guys can come by after?"

"Sounds good." Said Jade.

"C'mon I'll drive you guys home." Said Trina.

They all said their goodbyes and then Trina dropped Jade and Cat back at their places. On the way home she took some time to think about what her sister was going through. She hoped that a session with Lane would help Tori to start moving on. When she got home her parents were already in bed and Tori was still sleeping on the couch. Trina sat down on the other couch and grabbed a blanket. She couldn't be bothered going upstairs to change into her jammies but she was already in sweats so with one last glance at Tori she too went to sleep. In the very early hours of the morning Trina was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream. Her parents came running downstairs, Holly holding a bat and David clutching his gun. David flicked on the lights to see that was Tori sitting up on the couch and Trina was kneeling on the floor next to her. Their parents lowered their weapons.

"Girls what on earth happened? Who screamed?" David yawned, scratching his head sleepily.

"Its okay Dad, Tori had a nightmare." Trina explained.

Looking at his youngest daughter, he could see that Tori was shaking and drenched in sweat. Her eyes were wide with fear and the colour had drained from her face.

"Tori honey, you okay?" Holly asked.

"He was right here." Tori sobbed. "Ryder was right here, standing over me. It was so real. H-he was the same except he was bleeding. And he was trying to tell me something and then there was a-a gunshot and then I woke up."

Holly brushed the tears from Tori's face. "Shhh honey its okay, it was just a dream. I'm gonna get dad to make you some warm milk and then you can go back to sleep. How's that sound?"

"Good." She said softly.

David brought her the milk and she felt a little better as she drank it. The dream was still pretty fresh in her mind though. It was like Ryder was really right there trying to talk to her. She wondered if the dream meant anything. Wrapping her blanket around herself she headed back up to her room and climbed into bed but despite the warm milk and the comforting glow of her nightlight she still couldn't get back to sleep. She heard Trina stomping up the stairs and called out to her.

"Yeah sis?"

"You going back to bed?" Tori asked.

"Uh-huh, gotta get my beauty sleep."

"Can you sleep in here?" Tori said with puppy eyes.

Trina rolled her own eyes; this brought her back to the nights when they were little. Tori used to have nightmares a lot and Trina could never get to sleep in her sister's room because of the blinding glow of the nightlight. Still, she knew her sister needed her so she snuggled down beside her.

"Thanks sis." Tori said as she closed her eyes.

"Don't mention it." Trina said with a loud yawn.

The two sisters slept soundly until Holly came in to wake Trina for school. Tori stirred briefly but continued to sleep. Trina got ready grouchily (she was pretty tired from the rude awakening she'd received) and then drove to school. Before class started she met up Tori's friends in the hallway and filled them in on her sister's nightmare.

"She was so scared that I had to sleep in her room." Trina told them.

"Was it about Ryder?" Cat asked.

"Yeah, she said he was standing over her and then there was a gunshot."

"No wonder she was so freaked out." Said Jade.

While they were talking Lane came up to them. "Hey guys, Sikowitz wanted me to let you know that your class is in the Black Box this morning."

"Lane did you talk to my dad?"Trina asked.

"Yeah, I just got off the phone with him, I've got some free time at around one thirty so I'll go over and see her then."

"Do you think it'll help her get better?" Andre asked.

Lane sighed, "Its just one session guys, its not going to instantly help her get over Ryder's death but hopefully I'll be able to help her deal with her grief in a way that doesn't effect her health. Anyway guys I've gotta run, I'm waiting for an order for some new lotion."

They laughed as he rushed to his office to eagerly wait for the arrival of his lotion. Trina had some homework to finish before class so she hurried off to the library. After she'd gone, Cat looked at the others worriedly.

"How do you think Tori's session with Lane will go? I really don't know if Tori's the 'therapy' type."

"What make you say that?" Beck asked.

"Well you guys know how she is. Like, remember when Steven cheated on her and she was acting like she was totally fine about it?"

"Yeah but what does that have to do with her not being the 'therapy' type?" Robbie said confusedly.

"Well with that whole Steven thing she acted like she was fine but then a few days after the party at Kenan's I ran into her in the bathroom at school and she'd been crying. When I asked her about it she acted like it was nothing but I knew she was upset about Steven. I'm just saying she doesn't like to be vulnerable."

"Yeah but she hasn't exactly hidden her emotions these past few days." Jade said.

"True, but the Steven thing was when she and I weren't that close so I really think she's gonna struggle to open up to Lane."

"Lane's a good counsellor though. I guess we'll just have to wait and see." Andre said with a shrug.

They grabbed their books and walked to the Black Box where Sikowitz was waiting for them. He was in slightly better spirits today and decided to partner them up for some improv exercises. The lively nature of the class helped to keep the gang's minds off Tori and her upcoming therapy session and at least it felt like school was finally getting back to normal.

Meanwhile back at the Vega house, Tori was home alone waiting anxiously for Lane to arrive for their session. Her dad had left early for work and her mom had to run some errands so she was alone with her thoughts. She couldn't stop thinking about her nightmare. Every time she closed her eyes she could see Ryder's ghostly face and the blood dripping down his chest. His eyes had been glazed over like he was possessed. He'd tried to speak to her but no words had come out, instead he just looked like he was gasping in pain. And then the gunshot. She shuddered. The gunshot had been so loud, so realistic. She jumped when the doorbell suddenly rang. Checking the clock on the DVD player she saw that it was almost one thirty. She hadn't realised how fast time had gone. Sighing, she got up from the couch. She'd never gone to therapy before. She didn't really now how she would talk to Lane about how she'd been feeling. She didn't think she'd even been able to explain to her friends how she'd actually been feeling so how was she gonna tell Lane? There were butterflies in her stomach and they weren't the good kind. She felt like she was gonna throw up when she finally opened the door.

"Hey Tori." Lane said with a big smile as she invited him in. "You're looking much better since yesterday."

Tori smiled weakly. "Thanks. So do you want a drink or anything or should we just get started?"

"I'm fine thanks, I think we should just make a start."

"Okay, where do you wanna sit? Is over here on the couch alright?"

Lane nodded, "That's fine, after you." He said motioning towards the couch.

They both sat down and Tori watched nervously as Lane took some files from his briefcase and a notebook. He smiled at her again.

"Alright, here we go."

**End Chapter 4. **

**A/N: **Okay I'm not gonna lie, I really did not like how this turned out! Gahh! Oh well its signed, sealed and delivered now so there's no going back! Hate? Love? Please tell me your brutally honest thoughts :) Cheers, Bec ;)


	5. Chapter 5: Come Clean

**A/N: **Here's Chapter Five! Thanks to my two favourite reviewers **Ayamas4Ever **and **Jeremy Shane**, you guys keep this story going ;) Enjoy guys! Cheers, Bec ;)

**Disclaimer: **Since Cat's parents have only been briefly mentioned in the show I guess they're kinda my creation! And my story! But that's all I own folks ;)

**Chapter 5**

**Come Clean**

"Obviously we both know why I'm here today. I know that Ryder's death came as a huge shock to you. It came as a huge shock to everyone. Tell me how you knew Ryder." Lane said in his calm, counsellor's voice.

She'd been to see Lane before when everyone had thought she'd hit Jade in the face with a cane but this was real, this time she actually did have a problem. With a deep sigh she answered his question.

"Well to be honest I didn't really know him for that long before he- She stopped and took another deep breath, she hated saying that he was dead, she knew it was true but every time she said it she felt her heart break a little- "Before he died. We met in chorus and he asked me out so then I had him over and I cooked for him. Then after that we decided to work on a duet together for class but that um, it didn't really work out."

She watched as Lane made some notes then gestured for her to continue. Tori didn't really want to get into this part of the story; it made all those feels of guilt surface again.

"Tori go on, it's important for us to talk about this." Lane said gently when she stayed silent.

"Okay while we were working on the duet, Robbie had talked to another girl who had gone out with Ryder before me and it turns out that he was just using me to try and get a good grade for the song. He'd done it to lots of other girls."

"That must've been pretty upsetting."

Tori shrugged, "I guess but it doesn't matter now."

"Tori it does matter, the way you felt about what happened then is probably why you're having such conflicted feelings about Ryder's passing." Lane explained. "Please, keep going; tell me how you reacted after finding out what Ryder's intentions were."

"But you already know!" Tori exclaimed angrily. "You saw what I did to him!"

"Okay, if you don't want to talk about that we can move on to what happened afterwards. I know that now you're regretting your actions but how did you feel in the last two weeks?"

"I was feeling pretty upset that it didn't work out between Ryder and I but I mean, Cat was helping me through it and the boys you know they were saying like I deserve better but deep down I was already feeling really bad about the song. I felt like maybe I should've just said something to him in private instead of humiliating him in front of everyone. Maybe it would've worked out then." She said sadly. "I was going to talk to him on Monday." She whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Lane handed her a tissue. "So what Hannah and Emily said to you yesterday must've been pretty hurtful then?"

Tori blew her nose and then answered. "At the time it was but when I think about it maybe the reason I've been so upset is because I feel so guilty about what I did." She sighed. "What is wrong with me?"

"Tori nothing's wrong with you and you wouldn't be feeling this bad if you didn't care about Ryder. Something we do have to talk about though is the way you've been handling your grief. I understand from talking to your parents and friends that you haven't been eating?"

Tori shrugged. "So? I haven't been hungry."

Lane looked at her sternly. "Tori it's very dangerous to starve yourself, if this continues you could end up with serious health complications."

Tori shrugged again. "Its not like I'm starving myself, I just don't feel like eating. I have this feeling, I can't explain it but my stomach just feels weird and when I think about food I feel sick."

"I know it's hard but everyone's starting to get really worried so even if you feel like you're not hungry you should try and have something to eat. Start small with some fruit or some toast and try to build up to three small meals a day and eventually you'll be back to normal. I guarantee you'll feel much better."

"I don't know if I can."

"How about we come up with a little meal plan together and we can take it from there. If there's something on there that you feel you can't eat then we'll put down some other options."

"That sounds okay I guess."

Lane tore a fresh sheet of paper off his notepad. "Alright so do you think you're ready to start tonight? Maybe just a snack or something?"

Her stomach was churning but she didn't want everyone to keep worrying about her so she thought she'd better at least try. "Uh, I might be able to have an apple."

Lane wrote this down and then they went over some more meals for the next few days. Tori was looking extremely worried when they were finished.

"Just see how you go okay? If you're really struggling just give me a call, I've got some contacts who specialise in grief counselling."

Tori nodded. "I just want to know how long it will be until I feel normal again. Right now I just have this like huge weight pressing down on me and it feels like it's never gonna lift."

"Tori I can't answer that for you but its important that you keep sharing these feelings rather than bottling them up. Just talking about it will help you to move on."

"I know but I just can't stop thinking about it. I thought going to school might help take my mind off everything but it just made it worse. "

"It's not just gonna go away Tori but it's important to keep busy so you're not just focusing on that. I know that all your friends have been coming over and looking after you, maybe you could go over to their places that way you're not sitting at home. Try going for walks when you're feeling up to it or anything else active is good."

"Okay, those are good ideas. "

"Alright great, is there anything else you want to talk about today?"

"Yeah. Last night I had this dream, it was just like real life and it really freaked me out. I was sleeping right here on the couch and then I looked up and Ryder was standing over me except he was bleeding and his eyes were like glazed over. It was so scary but I couldn't look away. He was trying to say something but the words weren't coming out then there was a gunshot and I woke up screaming. Do you think it could mean anything? It was just so real." Tori explained shakily.

Lane pondered this for a second. "Sometimes our dreams can have significance in our lives but often they're just another outlet for our feelings. I wouldn't put too much thought into it; this is something that you've been thinking about a lot so it's not surprising that you had a nightmare about it. Perhaps the dream is related to the sudden nature of Ryder's death. You feel like he didn't get to say everything he had to say because his life was tragically cut short."

Tori sighed. "I guess that sort of makes sense. Thanks Lane."

"No problem, I think that just about wraps it up unless there's anything else you wanted to ask me about?"

"Nope, I'm all good." Tori replied.

"Okay, now you've got my number just call me if you need to talk again and I'm sure I'll see you back at school soon."

"Wait, when do you think I should go back to school?"

"Tori that's really up to you, but make sure you're ready."

"Okay."

Lane gathered up his things and Tori walked him to the door. "Thanks again Lane."

"No worries, I'll see you soon Tori."

After he left Tori sat down and read over the meal plans they'd made. It made her queasy just looking at them. Her apple was scheduled for 5.30 that afternoon. She really didn't know if she'd be able to eat it without throwing up. Pushing the papers aside Tori decided she would deal with it when it was time. When Trina came home after school they hung out at home for a bit then Tori called Cat and asked if she could come over.

"Lane thinks I shouldn't be holed up in the house all day so is it cool if I come round for a little while?"

"Yeah sure, do you have a ride?"

"I'll ask Trina if she can drive me."

"Okay I'll see you soon."

Trina agreed to drive her so she ran upstairs to get ready. It was the first time she'd properly looked at herself in a few days. The dark circles under her eyes stood out harshly on her pale face and her eyes were still red rimmed from the many tears she'd cried. Her clothes were already starting to hang off her frame. She really needed to start eating again. She put on some light make up so she didn't appear so sickly then grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl so she would stick to her eating schedule at Cat's. On the way over Trina asked Tori about her session with Lane.

"Do you think it helped at all?"

"I'm not sure, we made this eating plan and just talked about things so it was good to just get it all out…" She trailed off as they pulled up to Cat's. "Thanks for the ride, will you pick me up later?"

"I might be going over to Abby's so just call and let me know, otherwise try Mom or Dad."

"Kay, see ya."

She rang Cat's doorbell and Cat's hippie mom Dawn answered. She smelled of incense and was dressed in a long colourful skirt, a loose shirt and sandals. Her brown hair was adorned with coloured beads and she had lots of wooden bangles all up her arms. She welcomed Tori inside with a big hug. She was always very affectionate.

"Tori, it's so good to see you." She said dreamily before frowning. "You're looking thin, I'll make you some tofu stir fry."

"That's really okay Mrs Valentine, I brought a snack."

Dawn smiled, "Okay, and remember Tori, its Dawn; we're a very informal household. Cat and Fish are upstairs."

"Thanks."

Tori found the siblings in Cat's room painting each other's faces. Cat, appropriately had painted a fish on her older brother's face and he was currently painting a cat on his sister's face.

"Uh, hey guys. Going to a costume party or something?" Tori asked as she entered.

"Nope! It's just for fun." Cat giggled. "You want me to paint something on your face? I'm really good at fish, as you can see or birds."

Tori thought about the last time she had allowed Cat to paint her face with monster make up and decided it probably wasn't the best idea. "No thanks." She politely declined.

Fish finished off and handed Cat a mirror to check out his handiwork. It was surprisingly detailed and she really did resemble a real cat.

"Wow! That's really good." Tori exclaimed.

"Thanks dude. You wanna be a cat too?" Fish asked.

"She said no Fish!" Cat said.

"Okay, whatever floats your boat. I gotta go to work anyways." Fish said sounding slightly disappointed.

Once he was gone Tori just had to ask. "So your brother, is Fish his real name?"

This sent Cat into fits of giggles. "Haha of course not! Whose name is Fish?"

"Well your name's Cat, so I just thought…" Tori said starting to laugh too.

"Oh my gosh! You didn't know? My full name's Caterina!"

Tori's eyes were wide with surprise. "Wow I had no idea. And Fish?"

"His name's Marlin, same as my dad so we all just call him Fish." Cat explained, giggles still erupting out of her mouth.

Tori was still cracking up. "That makes so much sense."

"It's so good to see you laughing again Tori." Cat said when they were both all giggled out. "I take it your talk with Lane went well then?"

"It was okay. It's just nice to be over here like normal."

"So, um, did you talk about how you haven't been eating?" Cat asked awkwardly.

"Cat you don't have to worry about that, Lane came up with this gradual eating plan so I'll be back to normal in no time. Look, I even brought my apple for later." Tori explained.

Cat still didn't look convinced. "Okay, well as long as you're eating again that's the main thing." She could see that Tori was looking uncomfortable so she changed the subject. "So should I call the others or are you happy for just the two of us to hang out?"

"I'm cool with just us two for a while. I'm not gonna stay too long, you have school tomorrow. Plus it'll probably take some time to wipe that cat off your face!" She said punching her playfully on the shoulder.

"What's that supposed to mean!"Cat exclaimed.

"I meant the face paint." Tori said slowly.

"Ohhh right! It's non-toxic!"

Tori laughed, she was glad Cat was just being her happy-go-lucky self again rather than being so worried about her. The pair watched some Girly Cow which kept them in good spirits but the as five thirty got closer and closer Tori felt the dread rising in her. Finally it was time. They went down into the kitchen so Tori could wash her apple. Cat got her a glass of water to help it go down easier. Tori sat down at the counter and had a small bite of the apple followed by a gulp of water. Cat was watching her anxiously.

"Do you feel okay?" She asked.

Tori nodded and took another bite and sip. She sped it up taking several bites in a row but then she turned ashen.

"I think I'm done." She said to Cat before chucking her half-eaten apple in the bin.

"But you only ate half."

"Cat, I really couldn't eat anymore. I feel really nauseous." Tori said looking down. "Sorry."

Seeing how defeated her friend looked she quickly reassured her. "No its okay, you tried. Your body's probably not used to having food in it, I guess it takes time."

Tori finished her water slowly. She still felt pretty sick but Cat was right, it wasn't going to be easy for her body just to get straight back into her normal eating pattern. Tori was feeling sad after that so Cat thought it would be fun to play some Monopoly with her parents. It was much more interesting than the average game of Monopoly since the Valentine family had their own special rules which involved flicking the markers across the board whenever you landed on a train station and winning money whenever you were sent to jail. They also played some Valentine created card games which were unique in their own way. It was getting pretty late by the time they finished playing so Tori called her dad to see if he could pick her up. He was on his way home so he said he'd swing by and pick her up.

"My dad's gonna be here any minute so I better go wait out front. Thanks for having me guys." She said to Cat and her parents.

"Anytime Tori." Said Marlin Snr.

"You want to take home some tofu stir fry?" Dawn asked.

"No I'm alright, uh, next time though." She said with a smile.

Cat came out the front to wait with her. "So when do you think you'll be back at school?" She asked as they sat down on Cat's brick fence.

"Um I'm not sure. I think I should try and come to the memorial. So not next week but the week after? But I'll see how I am after the funeral on Tuesday."

"Oh yeah, the notice was in the paper today. Its going to be at St Jude's Chapel at eleven o'clock and the burial will follow at the St Jude's Lawn."

Tori was silent for a moment. "It just makes it so real you know?" She whispered.

Cat put her arm around her. "I know."

**End Chapter 5. **

**A/N: **Alright so this one I think turned out a little better than my last but then, my opinion isn't the important one, yours are! Just a fun little fact, the crazy Monopoly rules as played by Cat's family above, those are just some of the real rules made up by me and my nutball cousins. Just a little tribute to my own crazy family that I thought I'd add in :) We can never play any game by the proper rules hehe! Cheers, Bec ;)


	6. Chapter 6: Hushabye Mountain

**A/N: **G'day everyone! I'm feeling very festive as today is Australia Day! So happy Australia Day from Down Under ;) Anywho I'm writing this in the wee hours of the night/the early hours of the morning so I can finish this chapter before I head down the coast for the annual Australia Day camping trip with my family! Sorry it's taken so long I've been super busy! R&R folks! Cheers, Bec ;) P.S My apologies for the length… I'll make the next one jumbo sized hehe! P.P.S Oh to answer your question **Ayamas4Ever**, Marlin was certainly a Finding Nemo reference heheh!

**Disclaimer: **Victorious belongs to Nick and the lyrics I used below from _Hushabye Mountain_ belong to the Sherman Brothers (you may recognise that little ditty from one of my favourite childhood movies Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.)

**Chapter 6**

**Hushabye Mountain**

"So have you tracked down Ryder's killer yet?" Tori asked her dad as they drove home.

David frowned. "No, we think he's headed interstate. He's being careful, you know, not using credit cards and he's probably using a stolen car to get around. Don't worry though, there's a nationwide alert on him so if anyone spots him we'll find out."

"But what if you don't?"

"Tori we know who he is, we're going to catch him." As they pulled up to a red light he held his daughter's hand for a second. "I promise."

Tori nodded and changed the subject. "I-I ate today. I had an apple, but I couldn't finish it all." She said guiltily.

David sighed. "It'll get easier hon. I'm glad you're trying though, you had everyone pretty worried. Mom rang me earlier, she said you have an eating plan that Lane made you. Just promise me that you'll do your best okay? I don't want you to get sick."

"I'll try." She said feeling even more guilty.

Once they got home Tori went straight up to bed. She hadn't realised how tired she was when she was at Cat's but it made sense since it was the first time she hadn't slept during the day for a while. As tired as she was though she found that she was scared to fall asleep. Even the warm, familiar glow of her nightlight wasn't helping. Spending the day with Cat had kept her mind off things for a few hours but now that she was alone, Ryder's ghostly face wouldn't disappear from her thoughts. Trina was staying at Abby's so she couldn't call her into her room like the night before. She switched on the lights and reached for her phone. It was only ten thirty, most of her friends would still be up but she called the one person who she knew she could count on in this situation. Andre picked up straight away.

"Hey girl, you're up late. How'd everything go today with Lane?"

"Hey, it was good thanks. Andre, can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course."

"I um, I had a nightmare. It wasn't like the usual ones."

Early in their friendship, Andre and Tori had discovered that they had both suffered from terrible nightmares when they were younger and occasionally they still had them. After finding out that they had this in common they would confide in each other late at night whenever they were awakened by a new horrifying dream. Andre's nightmares were usually supernatural featuring bloodsucking vampires or psychopathic clowns who would terrorise him and his family whereas Tori would usually dream about her father's job and the murderers he dealt with on a daily basis. She often dreamt that these people would kidnap her in order to get to her father. Although everyone knew how Tori slept with her nightlight on they didn't know that it was to ward off the nightmares. The two friends had never discussed their morbid secret with the rest of the group and it was definitely part of the reason they had become so close.

"Trina told us you had a nightmare last night. About Ryder? Is that what you're talking about?" Andre enquired gently.

"Yeah, what did she tell you?"

"Just that he was standing over you and then there was a gunshot, is that it?"

Tori shivered as the dream flashed vividly in her mind. "I-I woke up screaming. Everything was just so real. There was just something so different about this dream, it wasn't like any of the other one's I've had before."

"How do you mean?"

"The way he looked, it was like I was seeing him as he died. He was trying to tell me something I know he was. What if it has something to do with the case?"

"Tori it was just a dream. It's not real; we've talked about this before. Think about all the dreams you've had about your dad getting killed on the job, every time you had one of those dreams you would call him straight after you called me and he would be fine. Your dad has a dangerous job so you worry about him and that's why you dream about it so much. You're really upset about Ryder and the way he died is horrible so you had a bad dream about it."

Tori sighed. "That's what Lane said."

Andre was surprised that she'd talked to Lane about it. "It must have been pretty bad if you talked to Lane about it."

Andre thought back to when Tori had first opened up to him about her dreams when her dad was working on a really intense case involving a drug lord. She had been so scared to sleep at night that she was falling asleep in class. After a few days of this, Andre had found her in the Black Box crying her eyes out and he'd managed to coax the truth out of her. She said he was the first person outside her family she'd ever told about it.

"When I was a kid my dad felt really bad about it, because when he moved up to homicide from narcotics it got so much worse, it was almost every night so then he bought me my nightlight and it happened a lot less but every now and then I'll have a really bad one." She'd explained back then.

On the other end of the phone, Andre could hear Tori sniffling. "I just want to go to sleep." She finally said.

"Just close your eyes and think happy thoughts." He told her calmly.

She let out a little giggle. "I'm trying to sleep Andre, not fly."

"Well for that you'd need pixie dust; trust me, happy thoughts work for sleeping too."

"Honestly I'm finding it pretty hard to think of something happy right now and when I close my eyes, h-he's the first thing I see." She said, her voice quavering.

"Well what about the good times you had with him?" Andre asked gently.

A loud sob came from Tori's end of the phone. "I-I can't see that anymore. All I see is the version of him that I saw in my dream."

"Tori you really need to rest, you want me to stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep?"

"Andre I can't ask you to do that." She said in a hushed tone.

"You're not asking, I'm offering, now close your eyes."

She obeyed, "They're closed." She whispered.

"Okay, goodnight Tori."

"Goodnight and Andre, thanks."

"Anytime."

There was silence on her end of the phone aside from her steady breaths. He could tell that she still wasn't asleep though. Taking a deep breath, Andre knew what he had to do. He'd only had to do it a few times but it always worked and she would be asleep within minutes. He raised his voice slightly and started to sing softly.

"_A gentle breeze from Hushabye Mountain softly blows over Lullaby Bay. It fills the sails, of boats that are waiting—Waiting to sail your worries away_…"

He was barely halfway through the song when he heard her breathing deeply. Smiling to himself he put his phone back on the hook as quietly as he could and switched of the light. He knew Tori wouldn't be disturbed by any nightmares tonight, whenever he sung her to sleep she would come to school the next morning grinning from ear to ear before giving him a big hug and whispering thank you. Still it didn't mean she wouldn't dream about Ryder again. Pulling his blankets up to his chin he closed his eyes and the first thing he saw was Tori. She was always the first thing he saw, since the day he first laid eyes on her.

The next morning, Tori woke up early feeling refreshed. She texted Andre thanking him for his help the night before then went into the kitchen for breakfast. Her mom had put her eating plan on the fridge and the first thing on the menu for Thursday was "Small bowl of cereal of your choice and a glass of juice." Tori felt her heart pounding; cereal was a big step up from half an apple but she'd promised her dad she would try. Opening the pantry she saw that there were five different boxes of cereal. She wished Lane hadn't written "of your choice", it was much easier when the decision was already made for her. She stared at the five boxes for a long time until she finally decided on Cheerio's. She got out a small bowl and a little spoon and poured in the Cheerio's and then a tiny bit of milk. She hated when all the cereal was gone and there was just plain milk left in the bowl, it really grossed her out. She picked orange juice to accompany her meal and then sat at the table. The now familiar nausea returned the instant she picked up her spoon. Her dad said it would get easier but so far nothing had changed. She drank her juice and managed a few spoonfuls before giving up and tossing the rest in the bin. She felt like such a failure. Looking at her food plan again she saw the next meal was a sandwich and she shuddered. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of hurried footsteps on the stairs.

"Oh hey hon, you're up early. How'd you sleep?" Holly said as she came into the kitchen, seemingly in a rush.

"Really good, actually. You going somewhere Mom?"

"Yeah sorry I'm in a bit of a hurry, I've gotta go into work for a few hours, will you be okay here? Dad's upstairs but he'll be asleep for awhile; he went back to work pretty late last night. This case is really taking it out of him."

"Sure, I might call my friends to see if they can bring in any work I've missed, I don't wanna get too behind."

"Well good for you hon, you seem to be doing much better." Holly said as she noticed the empty bowl on the sink. "And you're sticking to your plan too. I'm so proud of you!" She gave Tori a quick hug before checking her watch and rushing out the door.

Tori felt her heart drop as she watched the door close. She'd sort of just lied to her mom about her breakfast. It wasn't really lying, more just concealing the truth. Who was she kidding? It was a lie and she knew it. But her mom had been in a rush and saying how proud she was and she didn't want to disappoint her. She decided that she'd talk to her about it when she got back. The next couple of hours crawled by, she was starting to get really bored sitting at home by herself. Hopefully it was a sign that she was almost ready to go back to school. She went for a short walk around the block to cure her boredom and she felt good being out and about and in the sun again. Back at home she called Cat during the recess break and asked if she could bring some of her work over after school.

"No worries, I'll get your schedule out of your locker and ask your teachers for you."

"Thanks Cat, if the others aren't busy I'd love to catch up with them too."

"Sure, how about we meet up at Inside Out Burger or somewhere, so you can get of the house for a bit?"

"Uh-

Sensing that Tori was still feeling really uncomfortable about food Cat butted in, "You don't have to eat, I know you've got your plan so just come and get a drink or something."

"Okay, sure. I'll see you guys later then."

"I'll call you when we get out." Cat said before hanging up.

It was a nice day so Tori went out on the patio for a bit and listened to her PearPod. While she was out there a courier came up holding a small package. Taking her earphones out she greeted him.

"Hey."

"Hi there, I'm looking for a Tori Vega?" He said.

"Oh that's me." She said with a puzzled look on her face.

"Okay just sign here please."

She signed and thanked him and then headed inside to open it. The package was small and square. She really had no idea what it was. Turning it over she almost collapsed when she saw the return address: 3015 Kyabram Road, Hollywood Hills. Ryder's address.

**End Chapter 6.**

**A/N: **Dun dun dun! Lol! Hope you guys enjoyed! What'd you think of the Tandre? It was pretty mushy but I really love that pairing heheh! Cheers Bec ;)


	7. Chapter 7: Breathe Me

**A/N: **Hey guys! I'm back, I'm soooooooooo super duper sorry for the loooooong delay on this chapter! I hope you don't think I've abandoned this story which I'm not going to do! I just had a lot going on plus a severe case of writer's block so my deepest apologies! And so not to further delay, here it is, Chapter Seven! Please forgive me and enjoy! Cheers Bec ;)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own jack!

**Chapter 7**

**Breathe Me**

Tori's eyes started to water as she read over the address again. Her stomach and throat surged with pain as she was overcome by nausea. She didn't even make it to the toilet instead she threw up in the bathroom sink. Her throat was burning when the vomiting finally ceased. She turned on the tap to wash away the mess in the sink but nothing could wash away the excruciating heartache she was feeling. She gasped as she heard her dad stirring upstairs. She'd forgotten that he was home. Hurriedly she wiped away her tears and ran back into the living room where she picked up the package and shoved it in her bag. She wasn't ready to know what was inside yet so there was no need to tell anyone about it. Her dad came downstairs, his hair wet from the shower. He instantly knew Tori had been crying.

"Hey, you okay kiddo?" He asked as he sat down next to her on the couch.

"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine." She said, avoiding his gaze.

"Tori, I'm your dad, I know when you've been crying."

"Dad its nothing, its just the usual stuff okay?" She said still refusing to face him.

David started to say something but decided to let it go. "So you ready for lunch yet? I'm about to make myself something so if you want I can make your sandwich too."

"I-I told Cat that I'd meet her so I've gotta get going actually."

"It's only just after twelve; she'll still be at school."

"Yeah but I-

David cut her off, "Tori drop the act. You're trying to avoid eating. Aren't you?" He said his tone dead serious.

Tori glared at her father, "Why are you being so pushy? I told you I'd try so can you just get off my case?"

She stood up a little too quickly causing her to stagger a little bit from dizziness. She felt her father's eyes burning into her back but she ignored him and raced out the front door slamming it behind her. David put his head in his hands. Tori was scaring him and for once he didn't know what he could do to make his little girl feel better. Meanwhile, Tori was waiting at the bus stop. She felt bad for snapping at her dad earlier but he was putting too much pressure on her. She wanted to get better but everything kept piling up on top of her and it was getting harder and harder to see through the darkness. The bus pulled up and as she reached into her bag for her bus pass her hand lingered on the package momentarily. She knew that she should open it alone but wasn't sure if she could handle it. The bus only had a few other passengers on it as it was the middle of the day. She chose a seat towards the back and rested her head on the window. It was peaceful just watching the scenery as the bus lumbered along stopping every now and then. After about half an hour the rolling green hills turned into the bustling bright lights of the city and Hollywood Arts came into view. Tori headed up the front of the bus and indicated that she wanted to get off at the next stop. She looked at her phone, it was almost one, her friends were just about to come out for lunch. She sat down at their regular table and waited. Jade, Beck and Cat entered the yard and spotted her.

"Tori! What are you doing here?" Cat squealed as she hugged her.

"I just needed to get out of the house." Tori replied smiling weakly as her friends gathered around.

"Did something happen?" Jade asked noticing Tori's slightly dishevelled appearance.

"Yeah, you look a little shaken up." Beck agreed.

Tori ignored them and changed the subject. "So where are the others?"

Her friends stared at her but Beck answered her question. "They're auditioning for a play."

Tori sighed. "It's weird coming here and hearing you guys talk about normal stuff like classes and homework and auditions. At home it feels like time's kinda stopped you know?"

"Don't worry Tori; you'll get back into the swing of things soon."

Tori shrugged. There was an awkward silence. "Um, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, Tori wanna come with?" Cat said noticing the strange vibe.

She grabbed Tori's wrist and mouthed to Jade and Beck that she'd talk to her. In the bathroom Tori finally decided to talk. She pulled the package out of her bag.

"Its from Ryder." She whispered showing Cat the address on the back.

"Ohh Tori." Cat gasped. "Do you have any idea what's in it?"

Tori shook her head. "I think I should open it but I'm scared."

"What are you scared of?"

"The pain." She choked. "I'm working so hard to move past it and now the letter and I-I don't know if I can take feeling like this any longer."

Cat hugged her. Tori continued. "Cat. I lied to my mom today."

"What are you talking about?"

"This morning I was supposed to eat some cereal for breakfast and I just couldn't finish it. I felt so sick. So I threw it out and then my mom came downstairs and was like congratulating me for sticking to the plan and I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I couldn't eat it all."

Cat was shocked. "Tori you've gotta talk to your parents about this. Why didn't you tell her straight away?"

"I wanted to, I really did, but I didn't want her to be disappointed in me. I don't know what to do. My dad is really worried."

"We all are Tori. Seriously. Do you wanna talk to Lane again maybe? That might help."

"Yeah, yeah maybe but not right now, I can't be here right now. I don't wanna run into Hannah or Emily again so I should get going." Seeing how worried Cat looked she added "I'll come meet you guys later like we planned."

"Tori, wait, aren't you gonna have some lunch?"

"No."

"Tori you have to, you don't look well at all."

"Yeah cos I'm upset, Cat I'm not hungry."

"Will you please just try and have half my sandwich just for my own peace of mind?"

Tori crossed her arms and sighed. "Fine but I'm not making any promises, it's not like I can force myself to keep it down."

Cat seemed satisfied with this and together they went back to the table outside. Andre and Robbie had joined them and were chatting about their auditions.

"Hey Tori, Beck and Jade said you were here." Andre said with a smile.

"How you doing today?" Robbie asked.

"Yeah good, fine, I needed to get out of the house so I thought I'd come visit."

Cat handed Tori half her turkey sandwich. As Tori raised it to her mouth she noticed all her friends were staring. Angrily she threw the sandwich down on the table.

"I gotta get out of here." She muttered as she stood up.

Cat started to get up to follow her but Jade pulled her back down. "I don't think there's much you can do." She shrugged.

They watched as she walked towards the bus stop shivering in the wind. She looked so lost. Cat wondered if she would really meet them at Inside Out Burger later. The rest of the day seemed to drag but finally three o'clock rolled around and Cat dialled Tori straight away. Tori was in her room staring at the mysterious parcel when her phone rang. She ignored it at first but then the guilt crept in and she rang her friend back.

"Tori hey, look I just wanted to apologize for all of us before. We didn't mean to put you under any pressure or anything." Cat said.

"No Cat, if anything I should be apologizing, you guys were just trying to help and I got all moody. I'm just so all over the place at the moment. I'm sorry."

"So you gonna come later?"

"I don't think I should, I need to talk to my parents. I'm not dealing with this Cat, so I need to let them know."

"That's great Tori, well let me know how it goes. So what about the package? You gonna tell anyone about it?"

"I don't think so; that's something I need to deal with on my own."

"True, well I'll talk to you later Tori."

"See ya."

Tori went downstairs and watched some TV with Trina until both her parents arrived home. They'd been shopping together so it was obvious that David had talked to Holly about what had happened earlier. As her parents sat down on the couch Tori stood up in front of them.

"Mom, Dad is it okay if we talk?" She glanced at Trina. "Alone?"

Trina held her hands up in protest. "Hey!"

"Trina please?" Holly said.

"Okay, okay, I can see when I'm not wanted." She said and scampered off upstairs.

Tori sat down on the other couch. "So I'm guessing Dad told you about earlier? I kind of snapped at him." She said to her mom.

"Well yeah, only because we're worried, now what did you want to talk to us about?"

"Just that, well, I'm kind of worried too. Something is wrong with me. I don't know why I can't just feel better and eat. It's like something's stopping me from feeling happy and being normal again. I can't stop thinking about Ryder and what happened to him and it just feels like it's never gonna be the same again. I don't want to feel like this anymore." She stared at her feet. "Mom you know this morning when you thought I ate my cereal? Well, the truth is I couldn't eat it so when you were telling me how proud you were and stuff I just didn't correct you." She choked.

Both her parents were looking at her disappointedly. Holly sighed. "Tori I know that this is a really difficult time for you but it's important that you're honest with us."

"I'm sorry." She mumbled.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about kiddo?" David asked.

Tori decided then that she'd better tell them about the package. "Yeah, um, the reason I was so upset this morning was because I got a package in the mail. It's from Ryder and it just really freaked me out and when I saw that it was from him I felt so sick that I had to run into the bathroom to throw up. I still haven't opened it because I don't know if I'm ready for what it is."

Her parents both looked stunned. "When was it sent?" David finally managed to say.

"It's postmarked last Thursday." She replied.

"Well when you're ready to open it we'll be here for you hon." Holly said.

"Thanks. Is it okay if I go up to my room? I promised Cat I'd call her."

"Sure, are you gonna come down for a snack later? Maybe some fruit?" Holly asked gently.

"If I'm feeling up to it." Tori said bluntly.

She went up to her room but didn't really feel like calling Cat. The package was still sitting on her bed. She picked it up. Maybe opening it would make her feel better or give her some closure. She went over to her desk and grabbed some scissors. Her heart was pounding out of her chest as she started to cut the side of the package. When she was finished she shook out the contents. A CD case and an envelope fell onto the bed. She picked up the envelope first with a shaking hand. Her name was scrawled on the front. She opened it carefully. Tori felt herself starting to sweat and she was shaking uncontrollably. Removing the folded piece of paper which had been torn from a legal pad she took a deep breath as she unfolded it and started to read:

_Dear Tori, _

_I know that our relationship, if you could even call it that, got off to a bad start. What I did to you and those other girls is something that I deeply regret. That song that you performed at the Full Moon Party really made me take a good look at myself and I want to thank you for that. It also made me realise how much you mean to me. At first my motives for going out with you were selfish and based on your talents but when I started getting to know you I honestly was going to continue seeing you. I know now that you're angry and hurt but I want you to know that I'm truly sorry for what I did and I plan on apologizing to everyone I upset. Tori, I really think that we have a chance together and I think you're a beautiful, talented and sweet girl and I really hope that we can work it out because I really like you. Are you willing to give a guy a shot? Please listen to the CD and if you feel like it give me a call. _

_Ryder x _

Tori could barely read the last few lines because her vision was blurred by tears. They could've really been together. She was sobbing loudly at this point so Trina came into her room to see what was wrong. Tori handed her the letter and continued crying into her pillow.

"Tori, its gonna be okay." Trina whispered as she pulled her sister into a hug. "Shhh, its okay." She reassured her.

"We had a chance! And now I'll never know what we could've been!" Tori wailed.

Not really knowing what to do for her little sister, Trina ran downstairs and showed her parents the letter. They too rushed upstairs and tried to comfort their daughter but there was no consoling her. She cried all night until she finally succumbed to exhaustion. Her dreams were disturbing and twisted with ghostly images of Ryder creeping in and out. She awoke very early feeling weak and feverish. Moaning she glanced around the room which seemed to be spinning. Squinting she could see the blurry shape of Trina asleep in the beanbag in the corner of the room.

"Trinnnaa." She groaned.

Trina stirred at the sound of her sister's voice. "Morning Tor."

Tori responded with more groans. Trina frowned and stumbled sleepily out of the bean bag and switched on the lights. She gasped when she saw the state Tori was in. Her little sister was freakishly pale and drenched in sweat. Trina rushed over and felt Tori's forehead. She was burning up.

"Tori, I'm gonna get mom and dad okay? "

Tori managed a weak nod and closed her eyes to stop the dizziness she was experiencing. Trina ran into her parents' room and woke them quickly. David grabbed a thermometer from the bathroom before following Trina and Holly back to Tori's room.

"Hey kiddo, its dad I'm just gonna take your temperature okay?"

Tori mumbled incoherently causing David to raise his eyebrows with concern. The thermometer beeped to indicate it was ready, David swore under his breath.

"106.6!" He exclaimed. "Trina go get me a damp wash cloth. Holly I need you to call an ambulance."

"Oh my gosh, you don't think we can bring it down on our own?" Holly asked.

"I don't want to risk it, look at her; she's in a bad way." He explained.

Trina returned with wash cloth and handed it to David who placed it on Tori's forehead. Holly dialled 911.

"911 what's your emergency?" The operator answered.

"Hi, yes, I need an ambulance, my daughter Tori; she's come down with a sudden fever."

"How old is Tori ma'am? "

"She's fifteen."

"Have you taken her temperature?"

"Yes its 106.6."

"Has she been ill?"

"No, but she hasn't been eating properly for the past few days, she's mourning the loss of a friend."

"Okay, she may be dehydrated; the ambulance should be there in ten minutes or so, in the meantime just try to keep her cool with damp wash cloth. Is she responding when you talk to her?"

"Only just."

"Just keep her calm and try to talk to her, the ambulance is on its way."

Holly, David and Trina followed the operator's instructions while they waited for the ambulance to arrive. Tori's fever was not decreasing at all and she seemed to be getting more distressed. After what seemed like the longest ever fifteen minutes the paramedics rang the bell. Trina hurried to answer the door and led them up to Tori's room. They tried to talk to Tori but couldn't really get much out of her so they just lifted her onto the gurney and fitted her with an oxygen mask before hoisting her into the ambulance.

"Which one of you wants to go with her?"

"I will." Said David, rushing back into the house and pulling on some sweats. "I'll meet you both there."

Trina and Holly watched with wide eyes as David helped the paramedic close the back doors of the vehicle before it wailed off into the distance.

**End Chapter 7. **

**A/N: **Once again, my deepest apologies for the delay! Please review! Cheers Bec ;)


	8. Chapter 8: Bloodstream

**A/N: **Hey y'all! Oh gosh I'm so sorry! I know it's been ages but aaargh! So much has been happening! I MOVED! STATES! So I'm now coming to you from the beautiful Gold Coast in QLD where I'm now living with my big brother and his family! It's awesome here :) Anywho long story short, my brother's been living here for a while and I've been wanting to go to school here for ages so I'm staying with him while I save up to stay on res. It is pretty hectic since he has four kids! But I'm loving it! The weather is epic :) Anyways so sorry! Here's Chapter Eight which I would like to dedicate to my gorgeous new nephew Harry! Cheers, Bec ;)

**Disclaimer: **I'd like to thank my baby sister and nieces for introducing me to this awesome show even though it doesn't belong to us!

**Chapter 8**

**Bloodstream **

When Holly and Trina arrived at the hospital, David was waiting for them in the emergency room.

"Hey dad, how's Tori? Where is she?" Trina asked worriedly.

"She's okay, she's just through there." He said gesturing for them to follow him down the hall.

"So what was it?" Holly asked.

"She was very dehydrated like the operator said. They've put her on a drip to get her fluids back up and they gave her something to help her sleep too. Her temperature is starting to come down a little as well."

They'd reached Tori's room where she was inside sleeping soundly. The three of them entered quietly and sat down by the bed.

"How long does she have to be in here?" Trina whispered.

"She'll stay overnight at least and when she wakes up they'll see how she is and go from there I suppose." He said with a sigh.

Suddenly, Trina burst into tears.

"Oh hon, don't cry." Holly said pulling Trina into a hug.

"I just hate to see her like this you know?" She sobbed.

Holly patted her back soothingly, "I know sweetie, it's hard on all of us but we've just got to keep doing our best to help her."

Trina nodded and mumbled that she was going to go get a coffee. She found a machine just down the hall and sat opposite slowly sipping the lukewarm liquid out of the polystyrene cup just trying to gather her thoughts. She checked her phone and saw that it was already 6.30. She knew most of Tori's friends would still be in bed but figured that she'd better let them know what had happened. Cat took ages to answer but finally grunted something that sounded like hello on the other end of the line.

"Cat it's me." Trina greeted her miserably.

"Trina? What's up? It's early." Cat grumbled.

"I know, I'm sorry it's just- She paused as the tears started again, "It's just, Tori's in the hospital."

"Oh my god, Trina what happened?"

"Well last night she opened that package from Ryder and she got really upset again and was crying all night and then she woke up like really early this morning with this crazy fever so we called an ambulance and now we're here."

"Is she alright now?"

"Yeah she's doing okay, she was really dehydrated so that was why she had such a high fever, she's just sleeping now."

"Can we come and visit? How long will she be there for?"

"Um I'll ask my parents, they said she'll stay overnight for now and then see how she is later."

Cat sighed. "Poor Tori, I'll let the others know when I get to school. Are you coming in today or are you gonna stay at the hospital?"

"I'll probably stay here. Anyways I better go, I'll keep you guys updated. We're at the Hollywood Grace on Fifth."

"Okay, thanks for calling me Trina, give Tori a big hug from me."

"I will, see ya Cat."

At school Cat relayed the news to the rest of the gang. They were already incredibly worried about Tori and the news of her hospitalization was just the cherry on top of their week from hell. Andre didn't think he could take any more bad news. While all the others tried to just do their work and get on with the day, Andre could only think about Tori. Trina sent them a couple of updates in the morning but they were both the same, just that Tori was sleeping and she still had a fever. She didn't mention anything about them visiting. The minute the lunch bell went Andre rushed outside and called Trina because he needed to know if he could come and see Tori.

"Hey Trina, how's she going?" He asked nervously.

"Honestly, not great." Trina said. Andre could tell from her voice that she was holding back tears.

"You okay?" He asked gently.

"Yeah I'm just scared for her you know?"

Andre felt a lump in the back of his throat. "Yeah I know, I am too."

Trina continued. "She only just woke up about half an hour ago and like her fever's not as bad as it was at home but it's still pretty high and she's really nauseous and just out of it."

"So what are the doctors saying?"

"That it's just the effects of the grief she's feeling from Ryder's death and everything that's come with that. They said she's just run herself into the ground so it's her body's way of telling her she needs to take it easy."

"How long does she have to stay?"

"Well now they're saying for the whole weekend just to be safe but it might be longer because they want to try and get her eating again since that's a huge part of what's making her so sick."

"But she'll be out by Tuesday right? She'll be devastated if she misses the funeral."

"Hopefully." Trina sighed.

"So um, are we allowed to come and visit?"

"Probably on the weekend, like I said she's really not doing so well today."

Andre was disappointed by this but as much as he wanted to see Tori he knew the most important thing was to let her get better. "Okay, I guess I'll talk to you on the weekend then?"

"Yeah of course, thanks for calling Andre."

"No worries, wait, tell Tori that I-I- just tell her to get better and we'll see her soon."

Trina smiled to herself, it was so obvious that Andre liked Tori as more than just a friend. "Sure thing, see ya Andre."

"Bye."

Andre's palms were sweating when he hung up. He quickly wiped his hand on his jeans and went to find the others to tell them the latest about Tori. Meanwhile, at the hospital, Trina was by Tori's bed flicking through a magazine but not really reading it at all. Holly had gone home to get a few things for Tori and David had been called into work due to urgent information about Ryder's case. Tori was drifting in and out of sleep occasionally leaning over to vomit in a bowl the nurses had left on the bedside table. Every time she threw up Trina would press the help buzzer and a nurse would rush in and come in clean everything up. The TV was droning on in the background and the day seemed to drone on with it.

"You doing okay sis?" Trina asked after the had nurses cleared away what seemed like the hundredth bowl of vomit.

Tori nodded and scratched her hand where the drip was inserted. "When's mom coming back?" She asked.

"Not too sure, I think she had a few things to do though."

Tori nodded and stared at the TV.

"Tori?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to talk about anything?"

"I just wanna go home." She said with a sniffle.

"I know you do but it's only gonna be a few days Tor, and you're not well enough to be home right now."

Tori crossed her arms and kept staring at the TV. Trina could see that her were eyes welling up.

"Tori?"

Tori rubbed at her eyes angrily. "I'm gonna try and get some rest now." She said and then turned on her side away from Trina.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you?"

Tori shrugged.

"I'm gonna stay, just let me know if you need anything."

Trina went back to reading her magazine. When Holly arrived back at the hospital at around 2.30 Tori had been sleeping steadily. The doctors assured them that this was a good sign as it showed she was starting to get over her fever. David called them to let them know that there had been a huge breakthrough in the case and that he would be travelling upstate with the hope of arresting Ryder's killer.

"We've had a few sightings way up north so we're gonna head up there and work with the local police to track him down." He explained to Holly on the phone.

"Good luck hon, I'll let Tori know when she wakes up."

"Thanks, tell her I'll give her a call tonight."

After hanging up, Holly turned to her eldest daughter. "I really hope they can track him down, it'd be nice to hear some good news."

"They will mom, he can't run forever."

"I know." She sighed before changing the subject. "I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and grab a bite to eat, you need anything?"

"Maybe a sandwich or something. Thanks mom."

While Holly was gone a doctor came into the room. "Hi there I'm Dr Gates, I'm just here to check on Tori."

"Oh okay, are you gonna wake her up?" Trina asked.

"Yeah, we just want to see if she's ready to have a little snack." He explained.

Trina nodded and watched as the doctor gently woke her sister and recorded her vital signs on the chart. Holly came back with the food during this.

"Oh hon you're up, how do you feel? Hi Dr Gates." She sat down next to Trina and handed her a salad sandwich.

"I'm okay." Tori said. "I don't feel as sick."

"Yes well your fever's come down a lot since this morning so that's good. Do you think you'll be able to manage a snack?" Dr Gate's asked as he put the chart away.

Tori nodded slowly.

"Don't look so worried, how about we get you a juice box and a pudding cup for now and if you manage that we'll think about dinner later okay?"

"Okay."

Dr Gates smiled, "Alright well I'll have someone bring it in for you in a little while."

"Thanks doctor." Holly said as he left. "So you think you'll be alright to eat that hon?"

"I'm not sure, I'll try." Tori replied.

"Good, oh Dad called while you were asleep he's gone up north because they've got a big lead on the case."

"So they found the guy?" Tori asked.

"A few people have spotted him so they're hoping he's still in the area."

Tori nodded. A nurse came in carrying a tray with Tori's juice and pudding. Tori gasped, the pudding was bigger than she'd expected. The nurse wheeled the table over to the bed and set the tray on it.

"Enjoy." She said as she left.

"Come on Tori we'll all eat together." Trina said encouragingly opening her sandwich.

Reluctantly Tori opened her juice and took a small sip. She felt Holly and Trina watching her sternly. Ignoring their stares she peeled back the lid of the pudding and dug out a tiny spoonful. Although she still felt uneasy, the soft and cool texture of the pudding wasn't as hard to stomach as she thought it would be. She was glad they hadn't given her something too solid. It took her about twenty minutes but she made it through the whole tub.

"How was that?" Holly asked.

"Not too bad." Tori replied.

Holly and Trina noticed that despite her good efforts Tori was looking pretty unsettled.

"Do you feel like you're gonna be sick?" Trina asked.

Tori took a few deep breaths and shook her head. "My stomach feels a little weird though, could one of you get me a glass of water please?"

Trina went into the adjoining bathroom and filled a plastic cup with water. She handed it to Tori who took several sips before setting the glass down. She still hadn't finished her juice.

"I think the juice didn't mix too well with the pudding." She said. "It's too sugary."

"That's alright sweetie, you got through the pudding and that's the main thing." Holly said.

"So when will dad be home?" Tori asked.

"I'm not sure, it depends how long they take to find him I suppose. He's gonna call later so you can ask him about it then."

"Did any of my friends call? Are they coming to see me?"

"Yeah I spoke to Andre he called to see how you were going." Trina told her.

"They can come and see you this weekend when you're feeling better." Holly said.

"Okay. Mom, will I be able to go to the funeral on Tuesday?"

"That's up to the doctors' hon." Holly said putting her arm around Tori.

"Okay." Tori shrugged her mom off her and then started to get up.

"Whoa slow down, what do you need?" Holly said gently pushing Tori back down.

"Oh my god Mom relax I just need to go to the bathroom, I'm fine!" Tori exclaimed.

"Well be careful you've still got the IV in so you have to wheel that stand in with you." Holly said quietly, a little taken aback with the way Tori had snapped at her.

Tori kicked back the covers and gripped the IV stand for support as she slid out of the bed. She made her way slowly over to the bathroom, the wheels of the stand squeaking against the tiles as she went. When she flicked on the light switch in the bathroom the fan came on as well causing the light bulb to swing gently. This caused the entire room to appear as if it was moving which made Tori's head spin. She sat down on the toilet lid and breathed deeply as the dizziness subsided. She didn't really need go she'd just said that so she could be alone for a minute or two. Her mom and Trina meant well but she just wanted some space. She stood up quickly forgetting that she had the drip in. The stand jerked across the floor as the tube caught on the toilet paper dispenser making a loud scraping noise. She cursed as the needle pulled roughly at the skin on her hand. Her mom knocked on the door causing her to jump.

"Everything okay in there Tori? I heard a noise." She said her voice high with concern.

"Yeah I'm fine Mom."

She stood at the mirror just taking in her reflection. She felt like she didn't even look like herself anymore. She couldn't believe she'd ended up in hospital. Hot, angry tears started sliding down her cheeks. She just felt so pathetic. Lifting her hand to wipe away her tears she gasped when she saw blood trickling from the site of her drip. She stared at the blood watching as it dripped down her arm and for a minute she pretended it was all her bad feelings leaving her forever. All of a sudden there was a lot of blood so she quickly snapped back to reality.

"Mom!" She yelled.

Holly rushed into the bathroom. "What is it?"

Tori held up her hand. "I know you told me to be careful but I forgot it was there and it got caught."

Trina's eyes widened as Holly led Tori back to her bed and pressed the call button. A smiling redheaded nurse quickly came into the room.

"Hi there, how can I help?"

"Hi, she accidentally pulled out her IV." Holly explained, lifting Tori's hand to show her.

"Sorry." Tori said sheepishly.

"No worries, let me just grab a couple of things and we'll fix that right up."

The nurse went and grabbed her supplies quickly and then hurried back into the room. Tori squeezed her mom's hand tightly as the nurse stopped the bleeding and replaced the needle. She did it so swiftly that it barely hurt. She checked Tori's vitals quickly and glanced at her chart.

"Alright, looks like you're all good. Dr Gates is due to come back in about an hour. Just be careful with that IV."

"Thanks, I will." Tori said smiling at the nurse as she left. She turned to Holly and Trina. "Hey guys, thanks for staying here all day with me. I'm sorry I've been so snappy all day." She gave them a smile to show she was alright.

"Oh that's okay honey. You know we love you." Holly said leaning in to give her daughter a hug.

Trina gave Tori a hug as well. "We're always here for you sis."

"We should let you get some rest before you have dinner. Will you be okay on your own for a little while?" Holly asked.

"Sure, are you guys gonna go home?"

"Yeah, I'll come back later though."

"I'm gonna come back in the morning I think, I've got some work to do." Trina said.

"Okay well thanks for staying all day."

They said their goodbyes then Trina and Holly left Tori to sleep finally feeling like she was on the road to recovery.

**End Chapter 8. **

**A/N: **Sorry again guys! I hope my faithful readers are still with me even though I have been the worst person ever! Cheers, Bec ;)


	9. Chapter 9: For You I Will

**A/N: **Hi guys! Here is Chapter Nine which I have completed in what I think is a much more timely fashion than the last chapter! Enjoy! Cheers, Bec ;)

**Disclaimer: **I own nada!

**Chapter 9**

**For You I Will**

Tori woke up screaming and not knowing where she was. Ryder had been haunting her dreams again. Her heart was beating so fast and she couldn't take in a proper breath. A couple of nurses came running into the room sparking Tori's memory that she was in the hospital. Tori recognised the redheaded nurse; her name was Jill she was pretty sure but the other one she hadn't seen before.

"We heard a scream, is everything alright Tori?" She asked.

Tori nodded and took a moment to catch her breath. "I-I just had a bad dream."

"Would you like a glass of water?" Jill asked.

"Yeah that'd be great thanks."

The other nurse checked her vitals as Jill got her water. She frowned as she took down Tori's temperature. "It's gone up again." She mumbled putting her cold hand on Tori's forehead.

The nurses exchanged worried looks as Tori gulped back the water. "Thirsty huh?" Asked Jill.

"Yeah, why? Is that bad?"

"No, your fever's just increased a little. We might just give you some Tylenol to help it come down some more. Are you uncomfortable at all?"

"I feel a bit hot and shaky but it's probably from the nightmare."

"Okay, well I'll get you some more water to take these with and hopefully that should help. Dr Gates came in before while you were asleep and said you seem to be doing fine. Do you think you'll be able to handle dinner?"

"Just something small, I'm more thirsty than hungry." Tori said, feeling guilty.

"Yeah that's fine, they'll bring it in soon."

Tori was surprised that they didn't try and make her eat more. She took her Tylenol and started watching TV when her phone rang. It was a number she didn't recognise.

"Hello?"

"Hey kiddo, its dad, I'm calling from a station up in Napa."

"Oh wow, that's really far, how'd you guys get there so fast?"

"We flew in. Anyways I just wanted to check up on you. You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. They said my temperature's gone up a bit but its nothing to worry about and I'm having dinner soon. I had another nightmare though. So how's the case?"

David sighed. "It's frustrating but we're getting there. He's got a brother up here who has a record almost as impressive as his but we think they're working with a few more accomplices who are hiding them."

"Oh." Tori said.

"I know it's hard but I don't want you to focus on this, just think about getting better."

"I'll try."

"Good girl, okay I really have to get going, but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too."

Her dinner came along about twenty minutes after that. It was macaroni and cheese with a bread roll on the side. One look at it and Tori leaned over and threw up all over the floor. She sat there sobbing and gasping for a few minutes just recovering from the shock. She had been feeling fine just a second ago. She was shaking all over when she pushed the call button. The nurse from earlier came back in. Tori saw that her nametag said Stephanie as she came closer.

"Oh sweetie what happened?" She said kindly.

"I-I'm so sorry I don't know what came over me. It just happened." Tori sobbed.

"It might've been a bad reaction to the Tylenol. Don't worry about it we'll get it cleaned up."

Tori felt so bad for making a mess but she knew she couldn't help it. She was so tired all of a sudden too but she felt too sick to sleep. The room seemed to be spinning when she tried to close her eyes. The nurse's faces were blurred and their voices were fuzzy. She could hear snippets of what they were saying but nothing was really making sense to her. A voice that sounded like Dr Gates started talking.

"Yeah I'd say it's the Tylenol, I just spoke to her mom and she said that when she's taken it before it has upset her stomach a little. It's probably just elevated in the circumstances. The fever's sticking as well." He came closer to the bed. "Tori? We're gonna give you something to help you sleep okay?"

Tori nodded and closed her eyes again. She felt the doctor touch her arm and then everything started to turn dark.

The sun was streaming through the curtains when she woke up. Her mom was sitting on the chair next to her doing a crossword in the newspaper. Her brow was furrowed in deep concentration.

"Mom?" She said. She coughed a little. Her throat was scratchy.

"Morning honey, did you have a good sleep?"

"Yeah really good actually. My throat hurts though."

"Here's some water, Dr Gates said you'd probably have a sore throat. It's from the sedative."

"Did you stay here last night?"

"No, Dr Gates said you wouldn't be awake until morning so I thought I'd stay home. You're looking a lot better today."

"I feel better."

"The fever's gone down a lot so that's why. Do you want me to ask them to bring you in some breakfast?"

"Sure."

She stood up. "I'll be back in a minute."

While she was gone Tori went to the bathroom making sure to remember her drip this time. When she got back into bed she noticed a bunch of flowers on a shelf near the TV and wondered who they were from. She was about to get back up and check when she heard whispers and laughter coming from outside. The door burst open and she was greeted by the smiling faces of all her friends and Trina. They were all carrying balloons and flowers and chocolates.

"Look I made the card!" Cat squealed as she sat on the edge of the bed.

Tori smiled when she saw the handmade card which was so brightly coloured that you almost needed sunglasses just to look at it. "Thank you guys so much!" She said as she hugged them all. "And you brought Rex!" As much as the puppet annoyed her, it definitely cheered her up to see him sitting in Robbie's arms.

"Yeah! Now gimme some sugar angel face." Rex piped.

"Rex! Leave her alone!" Robbie complained.

Tori giggled and playfully messed with Rex's hair.

"So how're you doing?" Andre asked.

"Pretty good today. I was kind of a mess yesterday but now I feel like I'm starting to get back to normal."

"That's good to hear." Said Beck.

"Yeah you're looking heaps better." Jade said even though Tori was still looking waifish enough to snap in half.

"Thanks." Tori said. "So what's been happening with you guys? I feel like I haven't seen you for ages even though its only been like a day."

"Not much, just school and homework. Everyone's been asking about you." Robbie said.

"Me? Really?"

"Yeah, even your best pals Hannah and Emily wanted to know when you're coming back." Jade said sarcastically.

"Easy." Said Beck.

Holly came in with Tori's breakfast interrupting the awkward silence that had come as a result of Jade's comment.

"Um, I'm gonna just leave you guys to it for awhile, I've gotta run into work for a few hours. I'll see you later hon." Holly said.

"Okay bye mom."

Her friends were all still staring at her. "It's fine guys I'm gonna eat it."

Breakfast was a couple of slices of toast. They'd also given her juice and some sachets of jam and butter to accompany the toast. She spread the butter onto one slice of toast but left the jam since she thought it would be too sweet and make her feel sick again. Slowly but surely she got through the first slice of toast. It felt weird that everyone was watching her eat.

"You guys can talk you know!" She said, breaking the awkward vibe with a laugh.

The room started buzzing with conversation but they still kept glancing back at Tori as she started on the second slice. Andre noticed that she'd turned a little pale.

"You don't have to eat it all if you can't sis." Trina said also noticing that she was struggling.

Tori pushed the plate away. She'd gotten through about a slice and a half which was a pretty big effort. She still had the juice left and knew she'd be able to drink most of it.

"You did good Tori." Cat said with a smile.

"Thanks. Ugh, I was in bed all day yesterday, you guys wanna come for a walk?"

"Are you allowed to be up and about?" Beck asked.

"Um I think so. Let's just go." She wriggled out of bed and squealed with embarrassment when realised she was still wearing the hospital gown. "Oh my god I'm just gonna change into my PJ's first, mom packed them right?" She asked Trina.

"Yeah they're in that bag."

Tori grabbed the bag and went in the bathroom to change into her jammies and a hoodie. She put on her uggs too because the hospital floor was freezing. She grabbed her juice box so she could finish it on the walk.

"Okay let's go!" She said.

The gang followed her out into the hall all of them cringing slightly from the squeaking of the wheels on the IV stand. Jill and Stephanie were both at the nurse's station.

"Look at you out of bed! You must be feeling better." Stephanie said with a friendly smile.

"Yeah a lot! Is there anywhere we can go sit, outside maybe?" She asked.

"Yeah there's a courtyard on the first floor, just take the elevator and follow the signs. Just be careful with your drip." Jill said.

"Okay thanks, do you know when I'll be getting this taken out?"

"It's up to Dr Gates. Hopefully it'll come out today though." Jill answered.

"Cool, well we're gonna go check out the courtyard then." She said and continued down the hall.

When they got down to the sunny courtyard they found a couple of benches which were opposite a large stone fountain which was the centrepiece of the small area. Tori looked happy to be outside but the gang couldn't help noticing how frail she looked after the week's events. Although her baggy pyjamas were probably making it seem worse than it actually was it was clear that she had lost a lot of weight in the short amount of time.

"She looks so tiny." Cat whispered in Robbie's ear.

Robbie squeezed Cat's hand. "She's getting there though." He whispered back.

They stayed outside talking for awhile but the wind was starting to pick up and Andre could see that Tori was shivering.

"C'mon let's get you back inside." He said stretching out his hand.

She nodded and took his hand and allowed herself to be led back to her room. After that Beck, Jade, Robbie and Trina took off but Cat and Andre stayed to keep her company. They played some cards but then conversation turned to Ryder. She filled them both in about the letter he had written her. It was hard for her to talk about it but she managed to tell them the whole story. She was in tears by the end of it. Andre pulled her in for a hug. He didn't really think there was much he could say to help her feel better so he just hugged her for a little while. That seemed to do the trick because she stopped crying and started talking to them again.

"I just wish there was some way I could tell him I'm sorry, you know?" She said softly.

"I know." Cat said. "And so does he."

"You think so?"

"I know so." Andre said seriously. "My grandma always told me that when someone dies, their spirit turns into a new star in the sky. And every time you think of that person that star shines a little brighter."

"That's beautiful." Tori whispered in awe.

Her eyes were glistening with tears again but they weren't tears of sadness this time. It was nice to think of Ryder in that way rather than in the way she'd been seeing him in her dreams. It made her feel like he was somewhere peaceful. She hugged Andre again. He always made her feel better. As Cat watched the two of them together she could sense the spark between them. She decided she'd bring it up with Andre later.

"Hey, do you guys know who brought those flowers over there?" Tori said suddenly pointing to the flowers she had seen on the shelf earlier.

"Uh, hang on let me see if there's a card." Andre said jumping up to check. "Oh! They're from Lane and Sikowitz."

Tori smiled. "That was nice of them; they must've had them delivered."

"Oh and look, Lane put in some lotion for you."

"Of course."

Tori grinned again but inside she was having mixed feelings. Everyone was being so nice to her, all her friends and her family and Lane and Sikowitz. She just wished that she was already better so that she would stop worrying everyone. It shouldn't be about her. Ryder was the one who had died. She hoped that once she was out of the hospital that everyone would start focussing on remembering Ryder because that was the most important thing.

"Tori?" Andre said softly jerking Tori from her thoughts.

"Oh, sorry, I was just thinking." She said. "What do you guys think it will be like? The funeral I mean. I've never been to one before."

"I've been to a few, but I was a lot younger so I don't really remember. There's a lot of people crying and sad songs and everyone in black. I've never been to the funeral of someone our age though." Cat explained.

"Will he be there?" Tori said so softly that Cat and Andre had to lean in to hear her.

"What do you mean?" Andre asked.

Tori hugged her knees. "I mean, his body, will it be there? Like will we have to see him?"

"That depends if his family decide to have an open casket or not." He replied.

"They are, I mean, it is." Cat said. "I overheard Tyler Pearson say it in class yesterday."

Tori just nodded. She wondered what he would look like lying there in a coffin. Lifeless. Dead. Just like in her nightmares only this would be real- this was real. What if she couldn't handle it? What if she fainted or something? She shuddered. She had to go though. She needed to go.

"They kind of just look like they're sleeping." Cat said as if she'd read Tori's thoughts.

Sleeping. Well that didn't sound so scary. Still, Tori wasn't convinced. She supposed she'd just have to get through it. For Ryder.

**End Chapter 9. **

**A/N: **Eep its a bit short guys! Let me know what ya think! Cheers, Bec ;)


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